Fear seized his body, and he was unable to even glance in the same direction as Leofric. With the last strength he had, he turned away, facing the window again, staring at the empty countryside. A badger scampered across the fields. Clouds covered the moon and the world fell into deep blackness.
"…Him?" That was all Leofric could seem to utter.
Disbelief was the most palpable emotion but something unidentifiable broiled beneath the surface. Perhaps looking at his face would make it easier to understand but, if that other emotion was something like disgust, Wulfstan couldn't bear to see it regardless. "…desired… a man?"
Still refusing to look back, Wulfstan nodded his head. He couldn't speak at all. If he didn't move, perhaps he could fade into the background, melt into the bed and be forgotten entirely.
All Leofric did was hum in response, non-committal. Wulfstan could hear his breathing go funny, an odd pattering in his heartbeat, but he couldn't make heads or tails of it before Leofric was moving again. From the sounds of it, the man was lying back down and intending to sleep.
It was a relief that the conversation didn't continue. Hopefully, by the morning, Leofric would give Wulfstan the courtesy of forgetting what he had said.
"Goodnight."
"Sleep well, Wulfstan."
Still staring out at the landscape, he couldn't help but bitterly scoff at the idea. If only he could, perhaps he would be less miserable. Insanity grasped him and had no intention of letting him go – it was all too much to handle.
Certain that Leofric had fallen into sleep, his breathing slow, heartbeat steady, no movement at all, Wulfstan finally looked at the shrouded figure of the man. Sorrow in his gaze, he muttered to himself, "Maybe I can't give you fucking or children, but can I not still give you the companionship a wife does? Moreso than a wife could?" He closed his eyes before standing up, intending to distract himself with the books he'd read many times over already. "If only you could feel how my heart does, maybe then you would understand."
-
Days passed after Wulfstan's accidental admission, and the atmosphere had grown heavy and awkward. It had not felt so strange between them since the week leading up to Donngall's death those years ago. As it was the thick of winter, there was little to do on the farm, so it was increasingly difficult to find reasons to avoid Leofric's gaze. Any time in the house felt claustrophobic, time alone in the village felt painfully isolated, and the night became something Wulfstan dreaded more than he ever had before.
Despite how uncomfortable he felt, Wulfstan couldn't bear to be the one to leave the room and spend the night separately. He didn't want to wound Leofric's feelings more than he knew the way he was behaving was already hurting him.
The wedge between them became so obvious it was almost visible. Wulfstan wanted to fix it, but he couldn't make Leofric forget what had been said nor could he pretend that he hadn't admitted to something as abnormal as he had. Admitting that Leofric was the object of his deviant desire would make it even worse.
It seemed an insurmountable task, an impossible conversation between them to fix their relationship at all. Perhaps it was best that they continued to dance around one another until Leofric really did decide to take a woman's hand in marriage and they could go their own ways.
That would be unbearably painful for Wulfstan, but his desires didn't matter in the end. He wasn't even human.
As they did every evening, they lay in their beds next to each other, silence blanketing them, the violent freeze of the winter air causing Leofric to shiver and shake. Wulfstan was glad he didn't feel the cold as he readily laid his own blanket across the man to keep him warm.
For the first time in days, Wulfstan went out of his way to speak to Leofric. "Are you feeling warmer?"
"Yes, thank you." The chattering of his teeth was obvious as he sucked in a tense breath, but it was far lesser than it had been before. "You sure you won't freeze?"
Wulfstan felt guilty for causing Leofric concern. He couldn't admit his strangeness to the man, the fact he didn't feel the heat, the cold or anything else that a human should – that he was inhuman at that– so he grinned and bared it. With a bitter smile on the corners of his lips, he said, "Of course. I'll be perfectly alright."
"If you say so."
Unpleasant nothingness fell between them. Wulfstan didn't mind it, finding it easier to not have to pretend that everything was fine. It would also allow Leofric to fall asleep – then Wulfstan could entertain himself until morning came without having to worry about conversation.
As he always did, Wulfstan listened to Leofric's breathing, waiting for it to slow before moving an inch. However, while Leofric remained motionless and mute, there didn't seem to be any sign of the man getting any closer to sleep. While Wulfstan was confused, he didn't speak, not wanting to possibly distract or pull the man out of his meditative state.
"Who was he?"
Wulfstan didn't register what was said. "Huh?"
Leofric suddenly sat up, his eyes fixing on Wulfstan in the darkness. He shifted his position, crossing his legs, so he was completely facing Wulfstan. It left no room for misinterpretation – Leofric wanted to have this conversation right then and there. There was no opportunity to avoid it now. "That man you spoke of. Who was he?"
Pressing his nails into his palms, not moving any other part of his body, Wulfstan decided to play dumb, too scared that he would tell Leofric the complete truth. "I don't know what you mean."
An aggressive, irritated scoff. "Wulfstan, I am not stupid; I cannot be misled like a child. Don't treat me as such." His hurt was evident, but Leofric was seemingly determined to squeeze the truth out of Wulfstan. "He who was the object of your desire – who was it? I've thought about it these days and I can't figure out who you could possibly have eyes for."
That stunned Wulfstan. His normally quiet voice became airy with disbelief. "You've… you've thought about it… Do you not find me revolting? Is it not disgusting to you?" Finally, he found some courage to be able to look at Leofric.
The expression on his face was an amalgamation of many, making it impossible for Wulfstan to know what emotion was really being portrayed. If only he had grown up like a person, he would have learnt to untangle expressions, but he was already half-grown when he first awoke so he couldn't discern them properly.
If only Wulfstan could know that it was jealousy and sorrow muddling together on Leofric's face. If he only could see the longing and secrecy within those mismatched eyes.
"No. There is nothing that could make me find you revolting." It was indescribably earnest, almost childlike in the innocence of his sentence. Such a sweeping, definitive statement that left no room for discussion or doubt.
Both uplifting and crushing, Wulfstan didn't really smile, but it was as close to it as he could manage. "Do you really mean that? That you do not know who the man I spoke of is nor that there is anything that would make you despise me?" He knew it was daft to push it, to almost goad Leofric into hating him, but Wulfstan didn't care.
12 years of the building pressure in his chest, the crushing yearning and the uncuttable tether that bound Wulfstan to Leofric had become all too much to bear.
Perhaps it would be better to admit it now and deal with the consequences afterwards. If Leofric would hate him, that would be alright – he would simply leave. There was one place he knew he could escape to, away from the people and the judgement and he could maybe die in peace eventually. The tether around his heart would ache but he could ignore it well enough if he knew the discomfort of seeing Leofric was more intense.
"Truly, nothing you can say to me will make you anything but my most beloved kin." Leofric's gaze didn't stray from Wulfstan's, his brows furrowed in determination. "I beseech you, if you feel any loyalty to me, please tell me who it was." Of course, Leofric assumed the tears gathering at the corners of his eyes would go unnoticed in the dark, but Wulfstan saw them as clear as day. His expression was slightly more understandable now, but that didn't mean it made sense for him to be expressing that.
Melancholic. Wulfstan could see it now. Alas, he could not understand why so he did not question it, thinking it to just be the normal expression of a man learning of the deviant desire of the man who he saw as a brother.
Wulfstan closed his eyes, steeling himself for the admission he knew he had to make. Finally, he could stop lying to Leofric every waking moment. If he could sigh, he would, at that moment, to expel the last of his apprehension. Instead, all he could do was press his ever-sharp nails into his palms and hope that the hatred wouldn't be too agonising.
"You."
"What?" All Leofric could say, his eyes growing wide, mouth slightly agape. Surprise was a normal first response.
"Did you not hear what I said?" Wulfstan now didn't
shy away from what he had said, the weight lifted from his shoulders now he had already said it aloud. "Should I say it again in English, just to make it clearer? There is no mistranslation, not even slightly. You are the man I spoke of, Leofric." He didn't look from Leofric's face, his voice intense, pained. Furrowing his brows, biting back his emotions, he continued. "I have yearned for you from the moment I first saw you. Every day. Every night. For 12 years. There is an ache in my chest that's unmanageable at the thought of you. More painful than any Hell could be, but I endure, for I get to see your face every day and lay beside you every night."
Bearing his soul, naked in his truth, Wulfstan could feel the madness pouring from his eyes as he stared at Leofric. With furrowed brows and a grimace baring his strange, sharp canines, he was sure he looked like a revolting beast.
That really was all he was, after all.
Whatever words Leofric wanted to say seemed to become stuck in his throat, a strange little wheeze coming out instead. It was obvious he was contemplating hard about what had been said and was unable to come up with any answers.
"I will leave you to your thoughts." The words caught in the back of his throat, wobbling with his pent-up emotions. Wulfstan stood up and left the room before Leofric could even blink.
He didn't stop until he had walked out of the house and was standing far out in the farm fields. The hut was far enough away that Leofric wouldn't be able to see him in the darkness and that was all he needed. Sniffing the air, the earthy smell of the world comforted him, blanketing him in an embrace that reminded him of how he felt when he stepped foot in the woods all those years ago.
Barefoot as he was, he appreciated the solid ground beneath him, the dirt hardened from the winter frost, and felt even more connected to the world. Even though he could still hear the slight sound of people living in the village, their quiet voices, breathing and heartbeats, Wulfstan felt isolated enough that he could pretend he was all alone. There was only him in this accursed world and there was nothing to make him worry.
Wulfstan stared at the stars, consumed by their endlessness.