After Ryder's 3 naps yesterday, he still somehow went to bed at night, and now it was like 4 in the morning, and I was standing in the bathroom with the ring on the counter, thinking about life.
I don't really know why I am standing here, or what I'm even thinking, but I am.
I was just gonna go to the bathroom and go back to bed, but something told me to grab the ring and then stay in here. I didn't really have a plan after that, but now I'm just standing here.
I guess I'm not really having any second thoughts, per se, just lost in my own head, which I used to never do.
When I first talked to Leo, while I was thinking about proposing, he said I had never been connected to my emotions. And part of that has to do with my being a man, that I know. Society wants men to act a certain way, and when they do, they get mad, and when they don't, they also get mad. I don't understand it.
I don't understand why it's so hard for me to just explain how I'm feeling to people. I mean, it's that fucking simple. But I was whipped into shape for so long that now I don't even know what's real or what's fake.
I went through all of elementary, middle, and high school, and even college, with that simple mindset. Wake up, shower, eat, do whatever I needed to do, keep people at a distance, come home, shower, eat, sleep. Do the same thing, every fucking day, because that's what I was supposed to do.
I loved like any man does. I went after something simple. Someone pretty, not hard on the eyes, who does all my thinking for me. Like Lova. She was my safest option, now that I am thinking about it. My very straightforward, normal person choice. That was Lova.
And I guess, really thinking about it, I have always had these "wrong" thoughts. These weird thoughts that I was never really meant to feel as a mafia boss or even a man, for that matter.
I remember when Leo came out to me, something in my brain switched. The thoughts, the questions of even liking a man or looking at one like that, I hadn't even thought about that. And the way he told me, with not even a worry in the world, just like he was telling me the weather or whatever, it really stood out to me, and I don't think I have really thought about that until now.
Thought about the possibility of actually liking a man, loving a man even.
I always thought they were some form of attractive, but I had pushed it down for so long that now I really, REALLY don't even know what to do with myself.
I had myself convinced that Ryder was a fluke, this kind of jump and change in the system, but in actuality, liking him was just this thing, these thoughts that I had pushed down for so long. I had fully convinced myself of what my type was, what I wanted in life, but I was so very wrong. I had always been wrong, and I think that's hard to admit.
I don't think I only like men, but I think I still like them, and maybe I always have, but it was more from an admiring sense. And of course, I do still like women, and I don't know if Ryder will ever change that, but he's bringing out all of these sides of me that I haven't seen in so long.
And I don't know, I really don't fucking know. And I keep thinking I know, but I…fuck.
I stared at myself in the mirror as I leaned up against the counter.
I'm happy with Ryder, I really am, but I'm scared because I know he will be hunted and targeted for the rest of his life.
No matter where he goes or who he is with, he will be hunted, and the mere thought of that makes me not want to propose. It makes me want to be emotionally unavailable so he can leave and go live out the rest of his life and not have to worry about a fucking thing.
But I know him, and I know that he will read through me like an open fucking book because that's just who he is.
He is kind, selfless, and incredibly smart, despite society and the school system telling him he's not. He would probably do the whole mafia thing way better than I could, just because once he comes out of his shell, he is a fucking powerhouse, and I love that about him.
I mean, of course, I fell for that knitter who was smoking at the park, who turned into this resentful, closed-off, kind of awkward guy. But there's something about the way he is now, and just being with another very emotionally charged person that makes me so happy.
He is communicating his feelings about everything, and he isn't really afraid to yell at me or tell me when I am doing something wrong, which I really love about him.
I truly need someone like that, and not because I'm incompetent, even though I think I am in some ways, just because I need someone who I know will love me as much as I love them.
That's the dream, I think, with this whole love thing. Someone who will love you as much as you love them, even though, for Ryder, I don't think it's possible, because I have a lot of love in my heart for him that I don't think anyone could top.
It's love that transcends the whole mafia thing, and the identity and personality I have had in place for so fucking long. Love that makes me ready to face Elena as she hunts me, as all of these mafia bosses do the same. It makes me come to terms with my life and makes me feel like…I'm okay with it. That love that I could never get from Lova or even my own family.
And even though I am proposing again, I don't really have any sense of doubt in my mind like I did all of those years ago. And it makes me mad that I killed her. Not in a way that I feel bad for her dying, but more in a way that I didn't get more closure. I had a ton of questions to ask her, just to get some clarity, maybe even to let Isabella meet her, but like all the times before. I dealt with my emotions the only way I knew how, with a gun.
That and my money are the only ways to get people to listen and do exactly what I want, because they're the two things people fear more than life itself, the only things that really give life meaning.
Even when that meaning is supposed to come from your family, so you don't put your value and worth only into monetary or physical things like guns.
They make sure you don't ever have to worry about that. Family is there to tell you right and wrong, up and down, the whole 9 yards. They make you able to love people; they make you lovable.
But when your family is weird and dysfunctional with you there, then that's hard.
I don't know if they taught me how to love or taught me how to fear love.
For a long time, I hoped to be like my parents, but part of me didn't want to be.
I don't want to have that many kids because there truly isn't enough love to go around, especially with the age gaps. Then one kid has to bear the brunt of everything and figure life out while the others get babied. And I know they tried their hardest, but I don't really care. I don't give a flying fuck.
All I wanted to be was normal, just plain, simple, and boring. Maybe start a company, work for my dad, go back to school, something, just anything, no matter the process, the way, the outcome, that will make me normal.
That's all I have ever fucking wanted, and they didn't give it to me. Instead, they gave me this mafia shit and all the god damn money in the world, and I really should be happy, but I'm not. I don't feel fucking happy at all. I just feel angry.
Like I'm one step from breaking down and throwing a fucking temper tantrum like I'm five years old, but I can't help it.
Truly, I was never taught to regulate my emotions, and now, after all of those years of living as an empty head and with no real personality, I'm finally cracking and losing my mind in a way that all good people do.
And I know it's for the best, because without it, I wouldn't be as happy as I am now, even if it's temporary. I mean, everything in life is, and I am so okay with that.
More okay than I have ever been in my whole life, because I have him, I have Ryder.
I know after tomorrow, life will be different; this past month or two has really shown this. Shown me this world that I had somehow forgotten about, showed me a world that was so fucking fun. It showed me a world that was perfectly acceptable in the bubble of my house, but wasn't in the outside world. It was why people were staring at us on the boardwalk, with wandering, judgmental eyes. And I know it wasn't because of the age gap or anything like that; it was because we were two men holding hands, being cuddly and flirty. It was because we were gay. There's no real sugarcoating way to put it, that's just how the world has always worked, and it sucks, but I know that we can face it head-on.
I won't let anyone think it's okay to talk down, to hurt, to even look at Ryder wrong. I don't care what they think of me, but I do care about Ryder; it can't be Ryder.
I don't want him to think about anything negative, anything that will cause him to think about holding a gun to his head like I did.
I just can't let that happen.
I can't let people call him names, make assumptions like that lady did in the hospital, in my fake office, call him names he could never even fathom.
No one should ever have to go through that, and it's a shame our world is full of people like that, but if I can even lighten the blow a little bit, I know it would all be worth it.
And part of that will be on me. I need to be okay with seeing the world through a different lens and understanding that not everyone has had everything handed to them, not everyone has never had to worry about money, and not everyone has had the privilege of never really being judged for their skin color. They've only had people assume they're too good or do too many things. They are never judged for the fact that they shouldn't be here, aren't good enough, aren't so many things, just because of the color of their skin.
And I know nothing really seems to bother Ryder besides the little things, but I will communicate with him and make sure to understand him after every fight, every argument, after everything, because that's one of the first steps to a better world in some kind of way: being a better person or trying to be.
It would be fascinating to blend our two cultures, since we are each a mix of 4 different cultures. Truly fascinating to think about adopting potential kids in the future and giving them the life the two of us wanted so badly but couldn't have.
But making sure my sugar plum never feels left out. Never has to worry about the burden of being the older sibling taking on a company, or about taking care of your siblings and driving them places. She never has to worry about not being loved, because God, I think we both know what that feels like, and I could never do that to her, not my baby girl.
And maybe…Elena will find a new target. A new crappy mafia boss just like me to hunt when she gets bored, when she realizes I'm not as easy to push over as I used to be. She knows she has to move on, especially when I shot Lova fucking dead. So she can go find someone new to kill, someone new to work under, which, now that I am thinking about it, she is probably just a figurehead. She always talks big, talks this mess, but always sends other people, like she knows if they mess up, it's fine, but if she does it, it's another story.
She's fucking pathetic.
I took a deep breath and then let it out.
There is always a bigger fish to fry, I guess.
I grabbed the ring off the counter, made my way back into the room, hid it, and got back into bed.
Ryder moved over instinctively and laid his head on my shoulder, "I was about to call an emergency alert, were you taking a shit?" Ryder mumbled, eyes barely open.
"Yes, sorry, I was very much zoned out thinking about how I am gonna drown tomorrow," I said, lying to him again.
He let out a small laugh, "You won't, you won't. Now go to bed…I love you, muffin."
"Muffin is crazy. I love you too, babydoll, I love you so much," I said, and I kissed his forehead as he gave me a small smile.
More than you would ever know, more than you would ever know.