"Hermione! Ron!" I hugged the two actors who stood in for Harry Potter's best friends. "The gang's all back together!"
"Harry, honestly, don't you have a job?" Hermione said irritably. "You need to stop coming to Hogwarts every day. Ron and I work here."
"I killed Voldemort!" I proclaimed dramatically.
"That was ten years ago, mate," Ron pointed out.
I ignored the duo and turned toward the group of students behind me who were paying me some attention. "So, who wants to hear more about how I did it? Maybe I can slip in a glass of Firewhiskey or two to the eager listeners."
The moment I said that, the entire group raised their hands high in the air. "Ooh, take me. I'll listen. Pick me."
"Harry James Potter, that's preposterous!" Hermione shouted. "They are minors!"
"Oh, shove off, Hermione Jean Granger." I physically shoved her away from me, and she landed a few feet away on the ground as part of the joke. "Preposterous was when I found out that you were doing Draco Malfoy behind Ron's back ever since you were a minor. Did I say anything then?"
Ron gained a look of outrage as Draco stepped out from behind me.
"You called for me, Pottah?"
"No, I didn't," I said bluntly before turning back to the students. "So, who wants to know how I defeated this piece of shit's dork-lord of a master with a pretentious name decided by an emo teenager?" A few students looked skeptical, so I added, "Remember, Firewhiskey."
"Me!" "Me!" "Me!"
"Hermione!" Ron finally gained his words. "What is Harry saying!? Is it true?"
Hermione, back on her feet, looked between Ron and Draco before sighing. "Yeah, it's true. I mean, you know we're not good for each other, right? You're stupid as hell. Draco and I can have intellectual conversations."
Draco held onto her arm and pulled her toward him. Within moments, the two were kissing passionately.
"If you had to betray me, why couldn't it be with Harry?" Ron cried as the camera panned back on me, which showed I was spraying alcohol on minors. "Forget it."
Suddenly, a new person appeared on stage.
"No, Edward, don't leave me!"
The audience erupted in laughter and cheers as Emily Stone entered, dressed as Bella Swan. Her dark hair was tangled, and streaks of fake tears ran down her cheeks. She collapsed dramatically onto the floor, sobbing.
"Hey, girl," I said, walking away from the group of fake students with concern etched on my face. "You okay?"
Bella looked up at me through watery eyes. "The love of my life, my sparkling diamond of a vampire, Edward Cullen, left me for… well, I don't even know why he left me. But he just did."
"That's terrible!" I gasped. "It reminds me of my ex-wife, Ginny Weasley."
Bella slowly got up, brushing her hair back and stepping closer. "What happened?"
"She… eloped with someone else," I admitted with a sigh.
"Who?" Bella asked, puzzled.
"That's the thing. I don't freaking know!" I exclaimed. "All I found was a note on the bedside table that said she had finally found a man who would make her feel youthful forever."
As I said that, two figures stepped out from behind me. The crowd broke into laughter and applause when they realized who they were. One was Robert Pattinson, playing Edward Cullen, and the other was a red-haired actress dressed unmistakably as Ginny Weasley. Before I could even react, the two started making out passionately.
"Ginny!" I shouted in shock.
"Edward!" Bella's voice rang out in perfect sync with mine as we both gawked at our respective ex-lovers entangled in a kiss.
"How could you do this to me?" Bella cried. "I thought you were a virgin and would remain so until our wedding!"
Edward ended the kiss and awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. "You actually bought that?"
"She actually bought that?" Ginny repeated at the same time, smirking.
The audience laughed at one of the biggest plot holes in Twilight.
He turned to her. "I told you she was stupid, didn't I? Who else would believe that a hundred-year-old male vampire is a virgin?"
"Yeah, you were right." Ginny turned her sharp gaze toward me. "And here's my stupid ex-husband, who can't move on from the fact that he killed ONE dark wizard ten years ago! These two are made for each other."
"Ginny, we can still make it work," I said, stepping toward her, trying to sound sincere. But she suddenly bared her teeth, revealing sharp fangs that glinted under the studio lights.
I froze in shock. "Fangs? I thought his type of vampires didn't have fangs?" I asked, turning to Bella.
She shrugged helplessly. "God knows what all he lied to me about. I feel like I don't even know him."
"Because you don't!" Edward said, raising his hands in frustration. "We met less than a year ago, and you started claiming you loved me more than anyone else ever could. That's not love, that's obsession! It's an obsession when a girl runs toward a guy who literally tells her he's bad for her!"
The cheers and laughter at Edward's outrage almost made me break character again.
"Hey, asshole. Don't talk to Bella like that!" I reached into my pocket, pulled out my wand, and pointed it at him. "Avada Kedavra!"
Nothing happened.
Edward blinked at me. "Dude, I'm already dead."
"Fair enough," I said with a sheepish nod. Then I turned to Bella. "I guess they're right. We're both stupid, you and I. So what do you say, wanna marry me instead of that undead guy?"
"Hey, we're not zombies!" Ginny interjected, but we both ignored her.
"Oh, Harry!" Bella exclaimed. "I know I just met you, but I already know that I love you like no one has ever loved anyone. Just like I knew with Edward."
"I love you too, Bella!" I shouted, pulling her into a dramatic embrace. We held each other for a moment, then looked into each other's eyes and began kissing passionately as the audience howled with laughter.
"Thank you!" Edward said, raising his hands to the ceiling. "I finally got rid of her."
"But you still got me," Ginny reminded him smugly.
Edward's face fell in comic defeat as the camera zoomed out, showing Bella and me still locked in a passionate kiss while the crowd roared and the scene ended.
As soon as we got the signal, I separated from Emily, and within moments, we were both laughing our asses off at the absurdity of the scene. This was probably the wildest thing I had done tonight, considering both our respective partners were present on set. Scarlett had been warned about it beforehand, while Rob had been there during the rehearsals, so he knew what was coming.
"That was so much fun," she said between giggles. "Rob and I finally got to roast [Twilight] without breaking our contracts."
I snorted at that. "Your part may be done, but I still have to perform for the musical act of the night."
I motioned toward the stage that was being set up during the commercial break.
A few crew members ran up to me to get me changed as Emily said, "I wanted to talk to you about something important."
"Later," I said, removing my shirt, followed by my trousers. I would have preferred walking to my dressing room for this part, but we didn't have the luxury of time. "Let's meet before we go our separate ways."
She nodded once before leaving as I got dressed in my final set of clothes for the night. I began the medley I had planned singing, which consisted of three songs: Shape of You, Demons, and Pillowtalk. I started with the first one.
~I'm in love with the shape of you
We push and pull like a magnet do
Although my heart is falling too
I'm in love with your body~
(Break)
When I finally made it back to my proper dressing room, I sat down tiredly. It was exhausting playing so many characters in such a short span of time. In addition to my monologue, I'd done five sketches tonight. I didn't know how many of them had landed, but I sure had fun doing them despite the fatigue creeping in now.
Scarlett was right, performing live on a show like SNL really did give quite a rush.
A knock on my door pulled me from my thoughts.
"Come in."
The door opened to reveal Benji standing there. "That was a great show, Troy. I especially loved the HP–Twilight crossover."
I laughed. "Whoever came up with that idea is a genius."
"I agree," the girl standing beside Benji added. "It was my favorite bit as well."
"Emily," I nodded at her. "Come, have a seat."
Benji got the hint without me needing to say anything and quickly left, leaving me alone with Emily.
"How can I help you?" I asked without wasting time, because I knew that's what she preferred when it came to work.
"I want to do another movie with you," she said bluntly.
I raised an eyebrow questioningly.
"I've received an offer for a movie whose funding fell through at the last moment. Everything's ready, including pre-production, and I love the script. I don't want to play a teenager again, but it's so good I couldn't refuse it."
"I'm not doing it," I said clearly. "I can finance it for you if I like the script, but I'm not playing a teenager right now, especially not after playing Joker when people have finally started taking me seriously as an adult actor."
"Please," Emily begged. "I love the script, and I know you will too. Yours would be a supporting role, and you'd only have a week of shooting at best. Please do it for me?"
I sighed and looked away. After a few seconds, I added, "For anyone else, I would have said no, but just because you're my number one fan, I'll consider it, but only if I really like the script."
"Me? Your fan?" she asked, feigning surprise. "Oh, please! I've so moved on beyond that phase."
I raised a challenging eyebrow at her. "So, you weren't the one who paid for my two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?"
She had the look of someone caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
"Err, no?" she half-asked, and it didn't sound convincing at all.
I shook my head. "I contacted Serena, the girl who goes by the name SereneDreamer in my most loyal fangroup online. I didn't want any of my fans to pay for the stars, and I fully intended to compensate them somehow, maybe with a gift or a meet and greet. Imagine my surprise when Serena gave me the name of the person who paid her. One Emily Jean Stone. You should be more careful with your online purchases. You're lucky Serena's a good one, or by now everyone and their mother would know what you did, and there would already be stories in the tabloids about us having a secret affair and cheating on our respective partners."
Emily covered her face in embarrassment. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it like that. But I really wanted you to have a star to your name."
"I'm not mad," I said honestly. "I actually find it kinda sweet. Anyway, let's talk about this film you want me to do with you. What's the basic plot, and what's my character?"
"So, it's a film called [Easy A]. It's inspired by The Scarlet Letter, but not a real adaptation. My character, Olive, tells a lie to her best friend about sleeping with a guy, but that lie gets a little out of hand when someone overhears her. Then…"
As Emily continued explaining the script, I already knew my answer. [Easy A] was one of my favorite teen rom-coms. It was the film that had made me fall in love with Emma Stone in my first life. She was outstanding in it, and the movie had shaped her career going forward. Beyond that, the script was sharp, funny, and heartwarming, with a surprisingly good message at the end.
"Emily," I said after she finished, "I'll do the film."
She pumped a fist in the air in celebration, so I decided to be frank with her.
"But keep in mind, you really don't need me in this movie. From what you've described, you already have a great script in hand. It'll be a hit even if I'm not in it. My presence would only shift the spotlight away from you."
"I don't care about that," she said seriously. "I just want to do this film with you."
I inclined my head in acceptance. "What about [Breaking Dawn]? Don't you need to start working on those two movies?"
I'd already discussed with Evan that we would split Breaking Dawn into two parts. Since the film was fully under my home production, dividing it made sense to increase profits further. Moreover, both parts of [Breaking Dawn] were complete stories on their own, each with a beginning, middle, and end — unlike [Deathly Hallows] or [Mockingjay], which felt like halves of the same movie in the original timeline.
"Evan's still working on pre-production," she clarified. "I talked to him, and he agreed it'll take two or three months before filming starts. By then, I wanted to do this film."
I nodded in agreement. "Okay then. Let's get this out of the way. Get the makers of [Easy A] in contact with Tobias. I'll call him to get the ball rolling. How soon can they start shooting?"
"Next week," she said seriously. "The cast, crew, locations, costumes, everything's already set."
"Alright then," I grinned. "Let's make our third movie together."
(Break)
Matt Stone crushed the crumpled paper in his hands and tossed it toward the overflowing trash can. The page bounced off the rim and landed on the floor, joining a growing pile of discarded drafts. "Nope. That was terrible. I don't think we can do this, Trey."
"Calm down, will you?" Trey Parker said, raising an eyebrow as he leaned back in his chair. The cluttered writer's room was littered with coffee cups, empty snack wrappers, and storyboards taped haphazardly to the wall. "It will work out sooner or later. Just have some faith. We are making a musical about a religion after all."
Matt shot him a deadpan look. "Was that supposed to be funny?"
"I found it hilarious," Robert Lopez chimed in, trying and failing to stifle his laughter. He was seated cross-legged on the couch, a guitar resting across his lap. "And Trey's right. We need to have faith in ourselves if we're going to pull this off. If one idea doesn't work out, we'll find another. Maybe we should watch something for inspiration."
Without replying, Trey grabbed the remote lying on the coffee table and switched on the TV. The screen flickered to life, filling the room with the familiar theme of [Saturday Night Live]. The three of them settled into a momentary silence as a sketch began to play.
Amy Poehler appeared on screen, playing a wide-eyed teenager kneeling beside her bed. "Dear God," she prayed earnestly, clasping her hands together, "please bless me with a hot boyfriend. I really, really, really need to show him off to everyone at school. And he really, really, really needs to be hot."
The camera cut to a glowing window where Troy Armitage appeared, dressed in a long white tunic. His flowing hair and trimmed beard gave him an almost divine presence. He spoke in a deep, calm voice, carrying the tone of a patient deity. "Are you sure that's what you want, my child? You could ask for so much more."
"I'm sure, God," Amy said, nodding enthusiastically.
"Wish granted," Troy said, nodding solemnly before stepping away from the window.
Amy glanced around in confusion. "God? Where did you go? And where's my boyfriend?"
Troy reappeared a moment later, now wearing a black leather jacket, a fitted t-shirt, and a pair of jeans. His divine aura was replaced by effortless charm. "I'm right here, my child… I mean, babe." He pulled off his wig and fake beard, tossing them aside for comedic effect. "My name is Go… Gordon."
"Really?" Amy asked, arching an eyebrow. "Because you look an awful lot like God."
Troy grinned and lifted his t-shirt slightly, revealing a set of perfectly toned abs. "Does it matter who I look like when I have these?"
Amy giggled and grabbed his arm with exaggerated affection. "I love you, Gordon. Can I show you off to my friends?"
As the sketch ended, Matt turned toward Trey, still half-smiling. "Say whatever you will about Troy. He may be a little arrogant, but he's a great actor."
"That I can't argue with," Trey said, leaning back in his chair with a grin. "That reminds me, we never made fun of him again, despite him offering to voice himself."
"Next season, definitely," Matt replied, nodding with mock seriousness.
"Wait," Robert cut in, setting his guitar aside. "Do you guys, like, actually know Troy? The Troy Armitage?"
Matt nodded. "We've met a few times. We had a… misunderstanding a few years ago, but now we're cool. Why?"
Robert's eyes gleamed with excitement. "Because I think we've just figured out how to make this show a big hit." He pointed toward the TV, where Troy was now doing a bit with Fred Armisen, Bill Hader, and Kenan Thompson. "Not only is he a great actor and singer, but he's also done Broadway before. He'd be perfect for this role. If you guys can set up a meeting, I'm confident I can convince him to say yes. Assuming, of course, he's available."
Trey frowned, skeptical. "But why would he agree? He's a major movie star, and he already completed his EGOT. Why would he come back to do play after a major hit like [The Dark Knight]? He won a fucking Oscar for that!"
"It's a musical, not a play," Robert corrected patiently. "And as for the reason, I saw an interview where he said people don't approach him for Broadway anymore because of his fame. He sounded disappointed about it. I'd love to work with him on this, and with his name attached, this musical could become a global phenomenon. And since he's a great songwriter as well, he could help us with some of the songs as well."
Matt leaned back, considering it. The room had gone quiet except for the faint hum of the TV. "I can arrange a meeting with him," he said finally. "But he won't come cheap."
Robert grinned. "Then we can ask him to share the risks and rewards by coming on board as a producer. Of course, the initial run will sell out instantly with him in it, but it'll only become profitable after he leaves, for which we need his vested interest in the project."
Matt and Trey exchanged a glance. A slow grin spread across Trey's face before he finally shrugged. "Alright. I'll call his assistant and see if he'd want to meet. Let's find out if Troy Armitage wants to be a part of [The Book of Mormon]."
_________________________________
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! I hope 2025 was a good year for you. I wanted to thank all of you for being my loyal readers. In the holiday spirit, I wanted to give you all a small gift.
Use code 2026 on my Pat/reon and get a 25% membership discount on all tiers for the first month of membership. It is valid only until New Year's Day, so hurry if you wanna read ahead.
Link: www(dot)pat reon(dot)com/fableweaver