"It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane"-Philip K. Dick-Valis
"If I am mad, it is mercy! May the gods pity the man who in his callousness can remain sane to the hideous end"-H.P. Lovecraft-The Temple
"So when you find yourself locked onto an unpleasant train of thought, heading for the places in your past where the screaming is unbearable, remember there's always madness. Madness is the emergency exit"-Alan Moore-Batman: The Killing Joke
Harry was waiting when Dumbledore came to pick him up. He'd gotten dressed in some robes that had been left for him, and sat on the bed, waiting for Dumbledore to come.
He'd had one more check-up that morning, and after being told that he was in fine health, they'd given him the all clear to leave as soon as Dumbledore arrived.
Of course, they'd also told him that he'd need another check-up in a week's time and another one Easter time. Thankfully, those could be performed by Madam Pomfrey, so he wouldn't have to deal with the St. Mungo's staff poking and prodding him again.
He folded the Daily Prophet. After he'd asked for it, the hospital staff had been kind enough to provide a copy.
There was a small blurb about him, saying how a source had informed them that he had made a full recovery following a devastating attack by Bellatrix Lestrange.
' It was devastating. That much is true'
He laughed shrilly, looking at himself in the mirror again and running his fingers down his new scar.
It wasn't as bad looking now as it had been at first. Once he'd washed the ointment off, he'd been able to see it more clearly. It was still reddish, but that apparently would fade a bit. But it was almost as thick as one of his fingers, and he'd been informed that it would never get any thinner.
It pulled at his face, at the skin from both sides. Not too much, but enough to make him look slightly grotesque.
' Well. They all loved me because of one scar. Maybe they'll hate me because of another. Or maybe they'll love me even more'
He thought about it, and couldn't decide which prospect horrified him more.
There was another blurb in the Daily Prophet which captured his interest. A rambling piece about what seemed to be the beginnings of a coup in wizarding Japan. Most interestingly, the group causing all the chaos and terror there seemed to be allied with the Death Eaters.
The blurb was followed by an opinion piece, where the author argued that the ministry should attempt to bargain with "You-Know-Who"
The author's name was withheld upon their request.
' Idiots. No bargaining. Surrender or die. They're all gonna die. I'll kill them all if I have to'
He was laughing hysterically at the thought, imagining lining up half of Hogwarts and killing them one by one, when there came a knock at the door.
"Come in" he called, hilarity bubbling under his voice.
Dumbledore walked in, and his good mood evaporated instantly.
' Be very, very careful. If he suspects anything, you're as good as dead'
"Harry" Dumbledore greeted warmly. "Are you ready to leave?"
"Definitely"
"Excellent. If you'll just come with me, we'll sign you out of here and head to the apparition point"
A sharp crack split the air as they arrived in Godric's Hollow. Luckily, it was mid-morning, so none of the muggle residents were wandering the streets to take notice of the sudden appearance of two people.
He'd heard about the statue, of course. Tracey had gotten a major kick out of telling him all about it, back in the second year. She'd even found pictures of it for him, not that the pictures did it justice, or that he had particularly wanted to see them.
As he stood, staring into the grotesquely smiling faces of the couple and their baby, tears pricked at his eyes and ice stabbed him in the heart.
' Its all your fault' he thought angrily, ' all of it. If you hadn't been so fucking stupid as to fight him, I could have had a normal life'
He knew that his parents would hate him if they were alive. That they would be doing their best to kill him. And as he stared into their faces, he found he didn't care as much as he once would have.
' You're dead. You're dead, and I'm alive. Fuck you both'
He started walking away, and stopped, whipping his head back toward the statue.
For a second, he'd been sure that the expressions on the faces had changed.
But they hadn't.
Dumbledore led him through the cemetery, only stopping once they reached the three graves he had come to see.
"I-I have my own respects to pay," Dumbledore said, sounding as frail as Harry had ever heard him. "I will give you ten minutes of privacy, and then we must be on our way"
Harry nodded, not removing his gaze from his parent's last resting place.
As Dumbledore walked off, he ran his fingers over the lettering on the tombstones.
"The last enemy to be destroyed is death" he murmured. "How's that working out for you?"
All was silent around him, the few trees having long ago shed their last leaves. He hugged his robes tighter, shielding against the wind's bitter chill.
"You probably hate me. I would if I were you. But I don't give a shit. You"
He giggled.
"You don't mean fucking anything to me. Neither of you. And it's your own fucking fault. So stop looking at me like that! They all think you're smiling, but I can see the frowns! Stop it"
He stopped heart pounding.
' I've gone totally mad'
"If you really cared about me, you wouldn't have died. The Dark Lord is teaching me how to defeat death. How do you like that?"
He snapped his head to the side, coming to face Sirius' tombstone.
"And you" He hissed. "This is all your fucking fault! Why did you come home early? Do you know what you've put me through?! Fuck you!"
He ran his fingers through his hair.
"Coming here was a mistake" he whispered. "If I ever come here again, it'll be to tear that fucking statue down. Fuck you all. Fuck everyone"
He strode off to find Dumbledore, leaving the dead to their eternal sleep.
They stopped a few feet away from the Hogwarts Gates.
Harry swallowed thickly, staring up at the castle.
Dumbledore placed a hand on his shoulder, in a gesture that was obviously meant to be comforting.
' Maybe I'll cut your hands off' he thought and managed to keep the laughter from bursting out of him.
"Your friends have been desperate to see you," Dumbledore said kindly. "Miss Greengrass, in particular, has been inconsolable during your absence. If she had her way, she would have spent the last five weeks by your side"
Harry just nodded.
"You will start classes again only next week. We, that is to say, the teachers and I, decided to give you a few days to settle back in, and to start making heads and tails of what was learned in your absence"
When Harry didn't give a verbal response, Dumbledore continued talking.
"I believe Professor Snape would like to meet with you this evening. And on Saturday morning, I would like to meet with you. Please, prepare yourself. Horrific as it may be, I will ask you to recount the events of that terrible day"
Harry nodded again.
"Are you ready?" Dumbledore asked quietly, watching Harry with growing worry.
"They're all going to stare" Harry whispered, stroking his new scar.
"Harry. They have been staring for years. It is no different now. Tell yourself that"
Harry nodded slowly. It was true, that no matter where he went, since coming into the wizarding world he'd been a cause for many stares.
He took a deep breath.
"I'm ready"
He made his way to his room quietly. The hallways had been mostly empty, with everyone in class.
He had crossed paths with the Bloody Baron on his way back, but the ghost had simply assessed him for a few moments before nodding and proceeding on its way.
The common room was thankfully empty. He heaved a sigh of relief as he headed up the stairs to his room.
He pushed the door open, and in a fluid motion drew his wand and aimed it at the person in front of him.
"Don't fucking do that!" he screamed lowering his wand, his heart pounding.
"I just wanted to surprise you," Daphne said pleadingly, arms held out before her.
"I almost just killed you! Would have been very fucking surprising, I'm sure!"
"I-I'm sorry. I won't-I just had to be here, you know?"
His eyes roved over her, absorbing every detail as if he'd never seen her before.
"I know," he said with a smile.
For a few seconds, they just stood there, staring into each other's eyes and smiling.
And then she was on him, her lips on his, her tongue on his.
She pulled away from him for a moment.
"Never do that to me again. Don't you ever leave me like that"
"I-I didn't want to"
Unconsciously, one of his hands removed itself from her waist and stroked his scar.
She tracked the movement and dipped her head forward.
He shivered as her tongue trailed down his scar, as the sensations of pain and pleasure mingled in his face.
"Its a badge of pride," she said, before kissing him. "And now that you're here, I need you"
Before he knew it, she had pulled him forward until they were lying on his bed.
"I need you" She hissed as she scrabbled at his robes.
He grunted, ripping at her clothes, tearing the material as he pulled them roughly off of her. He slapped away her hand, and pulled off his own robe, throwing it to join her clothes on the floor.
He didn't hesitate. He growled, slamming into her.
His hands roamed her body.
Her eyes fluttered as she moaned, her whole body shaking as he continued to pound into her, his left hand rubbing the nub of flesh above her entrance.
"Fuck. I-I-"
With a shuddered moan, she arched her back, the tendons on her neck standing out as she shook.
It pushed him over the edge. He lunged forward, snarling as he exploded into her.
And it was over.
He slowly peeled himself off of her, dropping like a log onto the bed.
It was as if all his stress, all his frustration, and rage had been poured into her along with his seed.
He watched appreciatively as she sat up and leaned forward. Her ass rose a little bit off of the bed, pale, perfectly shaped flesh jiggling as she rummaged through her clothes.
She leaned back again and downed a small vial she'd taken out of her pocket.
"Contraception potion," she said in response to his quizzical look.
"And you just carry that around with you?"
She blushed. "No. But I knew you were coming back today, and I thought-I thought we wouldn't really have a chance to cast the charms"
"Maybe you should have a vial with you always. Just in case"
She punched him softly.
"I missed you. So much. I-I came to see you. But they-they wouldn't let me come again. Said it was a security risk, for you to have visitors. Fuckers"
"Yeah"
"I've been-I've been a bit crazy" she admitted. "I-haven't been in control of myself. I need you, Harry. I don't just like you, or like being with you. I love you. When you were gone-it was like a part of me was taken. You can't do that to me again"
"You think I wanted to?" He asked quietly, gesturing to his face.
"N-no. That's not what I meant. But-I want to be with you, Harry. Forever"
' Forever' the word echoed in his mind. And there was a way, that was for sure. A way for forever to actually mean forever, and not just another few years.
"I-I want that," he said, voice scratchy. "I mean it. Daph-I'm fucking crazy. And-and I'm getting worse. I-what happened with Sirius-"
He stopped, rubbing his eyes.
"It-it's done something to me. I-I don't care. I just don't care anymore. I used to-used to care about them. All the people. Tonks, and Shacklebolt, and Elphias Doge. And-and I didn't want to hurt people unless they deserved it. I-"
He shook his head, trying to get the words together.
"Four years ago, I didn't want to hurt anyone. I felt bad about killing the muggles who'd hurt me. Now I-I don't care about anyone. Except for you, our friends, and the Dark Lord. I'll kill everyone else. Hurt them, break them, kill them. And I don't know what I'm gonna be like next year. But I'm-I'm afraid. I'm losing my mind, Daph. I loved him-"
He was crying now, the tears coming softly.
"I loved him, and I killed him. And it was his own fucking fault, and I hate him. And I see him in my dreams, and I kicked his corpse, and I told his grave to fuck off-I told my parents to fuck off. I'd kill them if they were here-"
He broke off, laughing suddenly. He stopped and stared straight into her eyes.
"I'm-I'm broken. And I don't know what's in my future. Kids? Could I be a parent? I'd fucking break them worse than I am. And-and I love you and want to be with you. That's all. I love you Daph. I'll kill everyone that stands against us. But I love you"
She twined her fingers through his, not breaking away from his gaze.
"I already told you. I love you" She said softly. "And when I'm with you, I feel sane. That's all I need to know"
He hugged her close to him. "And if-if anyone tries to separate us. Ever again. I'll kill them all. I'll burn the fucking earth for you"
"Was that a marriage proposal?" She said, half-laughing, half-crying.
"Fuck it. Why not? Let's do it"
"Maybe once the war is over, hot shot," she said back. "In the meantime, though. You've got weeks to make up for"
Sher reached down, in between his legs, and squeezed gently.
"So what's been happening while I was gone?" He asked, in between pulling on his pants and throwing on his robe.
They'd been in the room for what felt like hours. The second time around had been slower, with less frantic desire powering it. They had climaxed together.
"A lot. I mean, I've been so out of it. I was in detention about half the time. Just couldn't hold back from saying stupid things you know. And Snape almost killed me yesterday"
"Snape? Why?"
She looked quite bashful as she muttered something.
"Huh?"
"I said, I may have cast the Cruciatus on someone in our common room"
' Ultimate pain. Exquisite, beautiful, every nerve ending screaming in utter agony as he prayed for an end to the delicious torment'
"On who?" He said, ignoring the twitch from his nether regions at the mention of the curse.
"Pansy. Stupid bitch can't keep her mouth closed. And stupid me couldn't just ignore it"
"What did she say? And how the fuck did you get away with it? I mean-"
"It doesn't matter. It was a stupid comment, and it shouldn't have pissed me off so much. And Snape took care of everything"
"What do you mean?"
"He said someone came to him, all worried. Not one of-of us. They didn't want to snitch but-but they were scared. So he obliviated them. And everyone else in the dorm"
Harry whistled.
"I know, right? He really went all out. But he was seriously pissed off. I don't think I've ever seen him that angry before"
"I'll bet he was"
"He said he's sure he got to everyone that could be a problem, but any of them could have gone to Dumbledore. They didn't, or I wouldn't be here, but they could have. And I'd be out"
He shivered, thinking about it.
"I'm meeting him tonight. He'll probably tell me all about it"
"Yeah. He's probably gonna tell you to control me"
Harry giggled.
' I can't even control myself'
"What else has been going on? What happened with Tori in the end? And all the others? Blaise, and Morag, and Andrea-"
Daphne sighed. "We told Tori. She took it about how I expected. Went all quiet, didn't really say anything. I heard her crying in her room later, but she wouldn't talk to me. But the next day she went to Draco, and whatever he said calmed her down"
"Or whatever he did," Harry said, flicking his tongue out.
"Or that. I mean, she's not gonna join, not completely. But she'll be like Narcissa is. All supportive, but not getting her own hands dirty"
He shrugged. It suited her, really. And it suited Draco too.
"What about the others? What's been going on with the group, with me gone?"
"Nothing. I mean, we haven't been meeting. Draco and Alaine have still been working on the Cabinet, and they say it's going well, but we haven't been meeting up as a group. Would be a waste of time, without you"
"So-"
"Still, the new people will be coming. Blaise knows. He's-he's joining. Over Easter. I don't know who spoke to him first, but both Theo and his mother convinced him"
"Nice"
"Yeah. Tori's still gonna come. I told her even if she doesn't become a Death Eater, she still needs to know how to fight"
"True enough"
"And Morag's coming, and Andrea, and Meredith. Alaine said that Horatio is in, but Jason isn't"
"Cool. So an extra five? And they all know the deal?"
"I don't know about Horatio. The others-I don't know. None of us spelled it out for them, but they're all smart enough to put two and two together"
"I hope so" he glanced at his watch and gave himself a quick once-over. "Ready for dinner?"
"Yeah. Are you?"
"I have to be"
As he expected, almost everybody in the Great Hall turned to stare at him when he walked in, arm in arm with Daphne. He ignored the rising mutterings around the room, looked away from the way everyone's heads swiveled toward him.
' I'll kill every one of you. I'll show you all what it feels like'
He bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from bursting out in hysterical laughter and kept his eyes focused on his seat.
He allowed his friends to shake his hands, to clap him on the back. To welcome him back.
' Maybe I'll leave some of you alive'
Conversation slowly rose around him again, as Draco started telling him something.
His friends seemed to be pretending nothing had happened. Like he hadn't been changed forever.
So he smiled and talked. He joked around and laughed at appropriate times.
And inside he wondered what it would be like, to have fiendfyre roaring through the Great Hall. How it would sound when there would be screams of pain replacing the murmurs of conversation.
Toward the end of dinner, Snape caught his eye and nodded.
' Let's see what he has to say'
"Welcome back, Harry. I trust that if any injuries still bother you, you will not be foolish, and will report it?"
"No. And I've got check-ups. Next week, and before Easter"
"Good," Snape said with a nod. "Now. The work on the Cabinet continues, and I estimate it will be complete shortly after Easter break"
"Ok. So then we'll-"
"Then, a trap will be laid, weaken Dumbledore. He will return to the castle, not at the height of his strength, and in an ambush, we will take him. But those are details that will be dealt with in the future. For now, the cabinet must be repaired"
Harry nodded.
"Next. I have tested the Occlumency of all the members of your group. While not brilliant, they are serviceable enough. They will be able to sense a mental intruder and take appropriate action. But now that you have returned, you should focus on their battle capabilities. They may be among the best fighters within Hogwarts, but most of them remain woefully unprepared for what awaits them"
Harry just laughed at that. "I'll teach them very well," he said, shaking with mirth.
' By hook and by crook. They will learn'
Snape watched him warily for a while, before continuing, in a softer voice.
"I must ask. How is your emotional state?"
Harry laughed again, before cutting it off suddenly.
"I'm pretty sure I'm crazy," he said. "My mind-It's being weird"
"Because of Black, or because of what was done to you?"
He shrugged. "Does it matter? I don't know"
Snape kept his eyes trained on him, breathing deeply. "Are you able to control yourself?" He asked quietly.
Harry shrugged again. "I guess I'll see. I just-I just don't care anymore"
"About what?"
"I-I can keep pretending to care," he said, ignoring Snape's question entirely. "Until Dumbledore's dead. If I-if I keep that in mind, that there's an endpoint, I can keep pretending. But after that-after that, I'm just gonna do whatever the fuck I want. And that's that"
"Do you mean-"
"I'm not planning on abandoning my Lord," he said, "I just mean-if Someone pisses me off, I want to hurt them. If I want to hurt someone, I'm going to do it. But I can keep that bottled up. For a bit longer"
Snape stared into his eyes for a long few minutes before sighing deeply and leaning back in his chair.
"See that you do. At this point, for any revelations about your loyalty to come out would be more than devastating. And encourage Daphne as well. She will not repeat her performance the other day, and you will make sure of that"
"I'll try. But to be honest, I just wish I'd seen it. I think. Or maybe I don't. I don't know"
"Please, Harry. Make use of the tools you developed with Steven for stress relief. Do not be foolish. Not now. And maybe-maybe you'll find that they will help your mind. But it is only up to you"
"I know," he said, as he stood up. "Anything else?"
Snape shook his head mutely.
"Have a good night, Professor"
"Harry?"
He turned his attention away from the comforting sound of the lake and answered Draco.
"Yeah?"
"Just wanted to say. I'm glad you're back, mate. I missed you"
He swallowed the lump in his throat, wiped the tears away from the corners of his eyes.
"Thanks. I-I missed you. All of you"
He fell asleep not long after that.
In his dream, neither Sirius nor his parents would talk to him. They ignored him, instead discussing amongst themselves what a tremendous disappointment he was.