CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN: THE END OF US
The morning after Samuel asked for space, I woke up with a strange sense of emptiness.
For several seconds, I forgot.
I opened my eyes, looked around the hostel and listened to the familiar sounds of girls getting ready for school.
Then I remembered.
Samuel had asked for space.
And I had agreed.
The thought sat heavily inside me.
I got out of bed quietly.
Gift noticed.
She did not ask anything.
She simply looked at me with an expression that told me she already understood.
I dressed slowly.
For once, I did not wonder whether Samuel would be waiting outside.
I knew he wouldn't.
And that knowledge hurt.
When I entered the classroom, Samuel was already there.
He was sitting somewhere else.
I looked at the seat beside me.
Empty.
I sat down.
Nobody said anything.
Victoria came over and sat beside me.
"You okay?"
I nodded.
"No."
She gave me a small smile.
"At least you're honest."
I almost laughed.
Almost.
Morayo joined us.
"We're here."
I nodded.
"Thank you."
Across the classroom, Samuel was studying.
He looked up once.
Our eyes met.
Neither of us smiled.
Then he looked away.
That was how the day began.
During Mathematics, I tried to concentrate.
I wrote everything the teacher put on the board.
I answered questions.
I even volunteered to solve one.
But every few minutes, my mind wandered.
I kept thinking about Samuel.
Was he okay?
Did he regret asking for space?
Was he thinking about me?
Did he miss me?
Or was he relieved?
I hated myself for caring about questions I could not answer.
At break, I stayed behind.
I did not want to see him.
I did not want to pretend everything was normal.
Daniel walked past my desk.
He stopped.
"You okay?"
I looked up.
"Yes."
He raised an eyebrow.
I sighed.
"No."
He nodded.
He did not ask for details.
Instead, he said, "You don't have to explain."
I looked at him.
"Thank you."
He smiled.
"Anytime."
Then he walked away.
That was all.
No pressure.
No interrogation.
No attempt to take advantage of my sadness.
Just kindness.
I appreciated it more than I could explain.
By lunchtime, I had barely eaten.
Gift noticed.
"You need to eat."
"I know."
"You've said that every day."
I looked at her.
"I'm trying."
She sighed.
"I know."
We sat quietly.
Then I noticed Samuel walking towards us.
My stomach tightened.
Gift looked at me.
"I'll leave."
"No."
She stood anyway.
"You two need to talk."
She walked away.
Samuel sat opposite me.
For a few moments, neither of us spoke.
Finally, he said, "How are you?"
I laughed bitterly.
"Seriously?"
"I just wanted to ask."
"You already know."
He nodded.
"I know."
I looked at him.
"Why did you come?"
"I wanted to talk."
"About?"
He took a deep breath.
"I've been thinking."
I waited.
"I don't think this is working anymore."
My heart stopped.
I stared at him.
"What?"
"I don't think we are good for each other right now."
I swallowed.
"Right now?"
He nodded.
"I care about you."
"Then why?"
"I don't know how to be the person you need me to be."
"I never asked you to be perfect."
"I know."
"Then what did I ask for?"
He looked down.
"Honesty."
I nodded.
"And you couldn't give me that."
"I tried."
"Not enough."
He looked hurt.
"I know."
I felt tears filling my eyes.
"Is there someone else?"
His head snapped up.
"No."
"Abigail?"
"No."
"Then why?"
He shook his head.
"It's not another person."
"Then what is it?"
"I don't know."
I laughed through my tears.
"You keep saying that."
"Because it's true."
I looked away.
I wanted him to give me a reason I could hate.
Something simple.
Something I could point at and say, That is why we ended.
But there was no such thing.
Just two people who had become exhausted.
Two people who had stopped understanding each other.
Two people who still cared, but could no longer make the relationship feel safe.
Samuel reached across the table.
I moved my hand away.
He stopped.
"Floral…"
"Don't."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You already are."
He looked down.
"I know."
I wiped my tears.
"So what happens now?"
"I think we should end it."
The words were quiet.
Almost gentle.
But they destroyed me.
I stared at him.
For a moment, I could not breathe properly.
"You're breaking up with me?"
He nodded.
"Yes."
I looked at him.
The boy I had known for years.
The boy who had once sat beside me in junior school.
The boy who had almost confessed his feelings to me.
The boy who had finally asked me to be his girlfriend.
The boy who had made me believe that perhaps some childhood feelings were meant to become something more.
And now he was ending it.
I whispered, "Do you still love me?"
He looked at me.
His eyes were filled with sadness.
"Yes."
That answer hurt more than if he had said no.
"Then why are you leaving?"
"I don't know how to do this anymore."
I closed my eyes.
A tear slipped down my cheek.
"I hate that answer."
"I know."
"I wish you could just give me something."
"I wish I could."
I looked at him again.
"Will you regret this?"
He was quiet.
"I don't know."
I nodded.
"Of course."
He stood slowly.
"I'm sorry."
I looked away.
He stayed there for a few seconds.
Then he walked away.
And just like that, the relationship that had once made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world was over.
I did not cry immediately.
I walked back to the classroom.
I sat down.
I opened my book.
I stared at the page.
The words blurred.
Victoria noticed me.
She came over.
"What happened?"
I shook my head.
"He ended it."
Her face fell.
"What?"
I nodded.
She hugged me.
That was when I finally broke.
I cried into her shoulder.
Morayo came over.
Then Gift.
They did not ask unnecessary questions.
They simply stayed.
For once, I did not care who saw me crying.
I had spent weeks trying to be strong.
Trying to understand.
Trying to fix things.
Trying to trust.
Trying to give space.
Trying not to become jealous.
Trying not to ask too many questions.
Trying to make everything work.
And now there was nothing left to fix.
That evening, I returned to the hostel with swollen eyes.
I sat on my bed.
Gift sat beside me.
"I don't know what to do," I whispered.
"You don't have to know tonight."
"I feel empty."
"I know."
"I still love him."
"I know."
"What if I never stop?"
Gift looked at me.
"You will."
"How do you know?"
"Because people heal."
I shook my head.
"It doesn't feel like it."
"It won't at first."
I leaned against her.
For a while, neither of us spoke.
Then Gift said something that surprised me.
"You know what I realised?"
"What?"
"I used to think losing Samuel was the worst thing that could happen to me."
I looked at her.
She smiled sadly.
"But it wasn't."
I remained silent.
"I realised I was more afraid of losing myself because of someone else."
Her words stayed with me.
Maybe she was right.
Maybe I had spent so much time worrying about Samuel that I had forgotten about myself.
The following days were painful.
Samuel and I still attended the same classes.
We still passed each other in corridors.
We still had mutual friends.
We still sat in the same classroom.
But we were no longer together.
At first, every sight of him hurt.
When he laughed with someone else, I wondered whether he was happier without me.
When he walked past me, I wondered whether he missed me.
When he looked at me, I wondered whether he regretted his decision.
I hated wondering.
So I stopped looking.
I focused on school.
I studied.
I answered questions.
I spent time with Gift, Victoria and Morayo.
Daniel remained my friend.
He never pushed.
Never asked me to replace Samuel.
Never tried to become something he wasn't.
Sometimes he simply sat at the far end of the classroom with Gift and talked to me when there was a reason to.
That mattered.
More than I realised.
One afternoon, after class, I stayed behind to finish some notes.
Everyone had left.
The classroom was almost empty.
I was packing my books when I heard footsteps.
I looked up.
Samuel.
He stood by the doorway.
Neither of us spoke.
Finally, he said, "How are you?"
I swallowed.
"I'm getting better."
He nodded.
"Good."
I returned to my books.
He remained there.
"Floral."
I looked up.
"I know I hurt you."
I said nothing.
"I didn't want to."
"I know."
"I just…"
He stopped.
I waited.
"I don't know."
I almost smiled sadly.
"You still don't know."
He looked down.
"No."
I picked up my bag.
"Samuel, I don't hate you."
His eyes lifted.
"I don't?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I loved you."
He looked at me.
"And part of me probably always will."
His expression changed.
"But that doesn't mean I can go back."
He nodded slowly.
"I understand."
I walked past him.
At the doorway, I stopped.
"You should take care of yourself."
He looked at me.
"You too."
I walked away.
This time, I did not turn back.
That night, I lay beneath my mosquito net.
The pain was still there.
But it was different.
It was no longer a sharp wound.
It was a quiet ache.
Something I could carry.
Something I could survive.
I thought about the girl I had been before Samuel asked me to be his girlfriend.
She had dreams.
Friends.
Schoolwork.
Arguments.
Laughter.
Plans.
She had existed before him.
And she would continue existing after him.
For the first time since the breakup, I believed that.
I did not know what the future would bring.
I did not know whether Samuel would ever regret leaving.
I did not know whether I would ever fall in love again.
I did not even know whether I wanted to.
But I knew one thing.
I was going to be okay.
Maybe not today.
Maybe not tomorrow.
But eventually.
And perhaps healing did not mean forgetting someone.
Perhaps it meant remembering them without allowing their absence to destroy you.
I closed my eyes.
For the first time in weeks, I slept without wondering whether Samuel would still be mine in the morning.
He wasn't.