Chapter 28
"All ready?" Mineta asked, holding one of his beads in his hand and throwing it up and down. Around them, the shorter boy had already prepared his field, covering it on his Quirk's balls. Kazuki, for his part, let his shadow darken and wisps of grimm to be flaring out of it, never quite forming.
"I'm ready," Kazuki answered with a nod and a determined looked. They'd be fighting with Quirks this time, but he'd limit himself to no grimm. It might seem like quite the drawback to take, but that was kind of the point. He couldn't always have grimm fighting for him. Sooner or later, he'd have to face someone on his own and he needed at least some aces up his sleeve for such instances.
Which was why they were about to test things. Both of them, actually, since Mineta hadn't quite tried what he was about to do in a spar yet. Maybe it was a little foolish of them to both experiment with things at the same time but… There shouldn't be any danger of accidents. At most, they'd be embarrassed and annoyed, they were sure.
"Let's go then," his vertically challenged friend decided, jumping and starting his new attempt at a move. It was simple enough in concept but, Kazuki knew, a nightmare to pull off in execution. What Mineta was trying was to basically bounce off his own beads to gain speed. The problem was that the beads were small and round, so it was quite difficult to get himself to go in the direction he wanted.
Mineta had been practicing on that for a while though and Kazuki watched his friend start circling him faster and faster to the point that he started having trouble following. At that point was when he tensed up. Mineta would get started any moment and he needed to be ready, his negativity flowed into his shadow, waiting for the moment the chance came.
And there it was, Mineta throwing one of his beads at him had Kazuki raising an arm. Not to catch it, but to block it. Not with his arm, but with his grimm. Immediately, from his shadow rose a half-formed beast, not unlike his failed attempts at creating new beasts. This time though, it was on purpose.
The shadowy shape was a shell of what it was based off of. Barely any muscle and some plates, the side of a boarbatusk without a body to cling to, no limbs nor head. Just the side, but it was all Kazuki needed. A shield formed between him and the incoming attack.
The bead hit the hastily raised barrier and then fell to the ground as Kazuki let the thing turn to black dust. 'It worked,'he thought, quickly blocking yet another throw made by his friend. It was a new idea he'd developed, but it had worked and it had done so very well. Surprisingly well, really, but he was certainly not complaining.
The Grimm Guard, as he would call it, would be very useful. It allowed him to have a "meat shield" without needing to fully form a grimm, which meant that it didn't add a strain to his control of other grimm. It also made it so that he could fight without having to worry too much for his own health. He had something to take the hits now, so long as he could put the shield up quickly enough.
He's still sent a request to the Support Course for some armor for his forearms and legs, but that would only block so much. He could have gone for more cover with a costume like Iida's but that'd be very restricting and weigh him down a lot, so he'd decided to go with something lighter that allowed more maneuverability.
Besides, armor protected only so much and his Grimm Guard would be more useful against attacks such as those from Kaminari, Todoroki and Bakugo. Things that would likely bypass normal armor would hit his half-formed creatures and do the damage there instead of onto Kazuki himself. If he could work on it, he might even be able to take all the power away from things like Bakugo's explosions, but he imagined it'd require good timing on letting the things disintegrate before he could be hit by his own shield.
'Training, training and more training,' he thought as the spar/practice exercise with Mineta went on for a little bit longer. They had to take a break shortly, however, since his friend was getting dizzy with his own technique. Kazuki wasn't surprised. Moving so fast, bouncing and going in circles had to be… not nice, that was for sure.
'Still,' he thought, distractedly forming a beowolf claw and making it swipe at the empty air. 'Maybe I can attack like this too, yeah,' he mused with a grin. He'd need to practice, since he still needed to control them "manually", but it was better than having them form completely and have consciousness that he'd have to keep in line.
Taking a deep breath in, he moved to the side and picked up two bottles of water.
"That went well," he commented, passing one to a Mineta that was laying flat on the ground. "Better than I expected. I thought for sure you'd stumble and we'd have to take you to Recovery Girl."
"Ha-fucking-ha," the short boy grumbled, groaning as he forced himself into a sitting position. "God, that was a nightmare. I need to practice more. My brain was working overtime just to keep up."
"Well, maybe you'll be happy to know that it looked pretty cool," Kazuki pointed out with a grin. One that widened when his friend perked up, pain and exhaustion pushed to the side for a moment. "If you can pull that off in the field? That's certainly gonna earn you some points."
"You think so?" Mineta asked, hope clear in his voice.
"Yeah, definitely."
[}-o-{]
"Endo."
Conversation around the table Kazuki and his group of friends had been sitting at halted at the new voice. Almost as one, they all turned to see Todoroki standing there. Besides him, he felt Hagakure's unease grow, a touch of fear, a pang of guilt – probably from that last part – and the ghosts of pain that wasn't there. Kazuki almost wanted to tell the guy to get lost just for that.
"Can we talk?" Todoroki said, apparently uncaring of the stares he was receiving from everyone else. Kazuki knew better though. After all, there was a reason he hadn't just told the guy no immediately. He could feel the guilt, the hatred – the self-hatred –, the insecurities. Had Todoroki ever felt like that before? There'd been hints of something at times and quite a few spikes after the USJ but this…
'He's getting worse,' Kazuki realized, looking around the table for a moment before coming to a decision. 'I'm gonna be a hero,' he told himself, more a reminder than a decision, forcing himself to ignore Hagakure's feelings. He'd talk to her about those later, if she wanted to. If not, he'd just point her in Hound Dog's direction again.
"Sure," he replied, focusing back on Todoroki. The boy seemed to be making a serious effort to look only at Kazuki and nowhere else. It made some sense, he supposed, but it was also… "In private?" he asked, almost unnecessarily.
Todoroki couldn't nod fast enough.
So, Kazuki found himself standing outside the classroom with Todoroki. He'd admit that he was a little uncomfortable, especially because he didn't know the guy at all, but also because… Well, social settings weren't his forte. As it was, he just tried to calm himself running his fingers through his hair. He didn't want to try and force the other boy to speak but-
"How do you do it?" Todoroki asked eventually, snapping Kazuki from his thoughts. Blinking, he regarded his fellow student, not understanding.
"Do what?"
"I saw, what you did at the USJ," Todoroki said, as if that explained anything. It didn't, but Kazuki stiffened again. He knew it was likely that many had seen something, both because it had been very visible but also because of some little spikes of feelings his classmates would get at times. "How do you do it? How do you keep going when you… When you are a danger?"
It stung, a lot, to hear that being said out loud. It wasn't the first time Kazuki was told something along those lines though. If anything, that was one of the more polite ways he'd ever heard that being worded as. It was different to hear it come from a classmate though, somehow. However, he tried to push through the pain like he usually did.
Doing so, he noticed something. Todoroki wasn't feeling angry or disgusted or anything like that. Instead, he was feeling… desperate? 'What's going on here?' Kazuki wondered with a frown.
Ultimately, he decided to take the question and answer it as truthfully as he could.
"Because I have to keep going. What are my alternatives?" he asked with a bitter smile.
"You could never use your Quirk again. That'd do it, wouldn't it?" Todoroki asked, his desperation growing. It was almost like he hoped Kazuki would agree with him there. He couldn't do that, however.
"It doesn't work like that. My Quirk doesn't like being contained. God knows I tried doing that in the past," he explained with a helpless shrug. "In the end, I could only live with who I am and what my Quirk is. I can only keep going and… And hope I'll do some good. That's what I want the most. To prove that I'm more than a monster, a villain."
As he spoke, he saw a shift in Todoroki's expression. His desperation was there, but it was… lessened, somewhat. Kazuki wasn't sure what Todoroki needed help with, because there was obviously something, but he could only hope that he was helping. There wasn't much he could do other than answer questions honestly, as it was.
"Prove…" Todoroki mumbled then, his eyes unfocusing as his mind worked. "Prove that you can be more, different."
"From what everyone else thinks," Kazuki finished with a firm nod. "Prove that I can be more than I think."
"I see," Todoroki replied, his voice low. "And… And what should I do?" he asked then, and one more little puzzle piece fell into place for Kazuki. 'So, he's feeling bad about the USJ and Hagakure? That makes sense but there must be more to it,' he mused. Ultimately, it didn't really matter.
"It depends," he told the other boy. "What do you want to do?"
The question seemed to catch the other boy off guard. Judging by the emotions Kazuki sensed and the expressions Todoroki made, he almost thought that was the first time he'd been asked that or something. There was a long pause then as his classmate thought over that question.
"... I just… I want to stop feeling like this," Todoroki said, as if that was an answer of any kind. Fortunately for the guy, Kazuki knew exactly what he meant, since he could tell how he was feeling like. Also because he had experienced that too.
"I can tell you how I stopped feeling like that," he replied, and the other boy's heterochromic eyes stared intently at him, very visibly hanging onto his every word. "What I did was… help someone else," he started simply, remembering that day, when he'd called Aizawa and Hound Dog had gone to save whoever was in trouble that day. When he'd been called a hero. "I helped someone and was a hero. Maybe it won't make up for what I've done, but it'll help remind me that I'm not a monster. That I can be better."
"... I see," Todoroki mumbled then.
"In the meantime," Kazuki continued. "I visit Hound Dog, the student counselor, regularly. It helps, talking to someone and receiving some encouragement or advice. Or, generally having someone to hear me out. Maybe you can give it a try," he suggested, receiving a nod from Todoroki.
Kazuki wasn't sure how much he'd helped, but at least it seemed like his classmate was feeling a little better. It was a win, he supposed, if not much of one. Sometimes though, a little nudge was all that was necessary, or so he hoped.
God knew he wished someone had told his past self some of what he had told Todoroki right then and there.
"... I see," Todoroki repeated. "Thank you."
"No problem," Kazuki reassured the other boy "If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask."
To that, Todoroki paused before simply nodding and moving back into the classroom.
'Well, that happened.'
[}-o-{]
"Why won't you shut up you damn extra?!" Bakugo cursed Iida for what felt like the thousandth time. If Kazuki was being honest, he almost understood. The speedster was, really, a pain in the ass to deal with. Not that the explosive boy was any better in that regard.
Which really explained a lot about why they seemed to always clash.
"That's not the language a student of an institution such as U.A. should be-"
Kazuki turned to trade a look with Yaoyorozu, who looked helplessly back. Both of them had tried to defuse situations such as this and they'd failed miserably at it every single time. Truly, why couldn't someone else have been chosen as vice-president.
"Your turn," she said before he could get a word in and he deflated. She wasn't wrong, but he really didn't feel like dealing with that shit at the moment. He never did, really, but the point stood.
"Ok, I think it's time for drastic measures," Kazuki decided, eye twitching as he stood up. Beside him, his friends looked at him curiously after that declaration. He ignored them, however, walking up to the arguing duo, if what they were doing could be called arguing.
"What do you want, B-Movie? I have enough shit to deal with from Four-Eyes here, so if you could kindly fuck o-"
"Shut up," he growled, letting the negativity of both boys flow through him and into his voice. He'd have grinned at the way they flinched, but he was too annoyed for that, only partially because of their emotions. "You are both a fucking disgrace."
"Such language-"
"I said shut up, Iida," he told the boy, glaring at him and feeling the twinge of fear he inspired. For once, he wasn't too bothered by that. "If you were actually so invested on that "being proper" shit you spout so much of, maybe you'd see that you are always making a scene about this stuff and that isn't a good look on an institution such as U.A.," he added, throwing Iida's words back at him. "It looks worsewhen you do that than if you just carried yourself properly and let Bakugo make a fool of himself."
"Ex-fucking-cuse me, B-Movie?!"
"And you," Kazuki continued, turning towards the aforementioned blonde. "It's really rather sad if you have to continuously point out how beneath you everyone else is. I think you might be compensating for something."
"You wanna say that to my face?" Bakugo growled, mini-explosions going off on his palms.
"That's literally what I just did," Kazuki replied with a raised eyebrow. "You are a big scary hero-to-be. We get it. We all are. Maybe you are stronger than most of us, maybe you are stronger than me, maybe you are the strongest in this room… I don't care. You don't need to be a fucking nuisance all the time. Shut up and prove that you are better, and maybe people will stop rolling their eyes at you when you speak your nonsense."
"Really pushing your luck there, B-Movie."
"And what will you do if I push it some more?" Kazuki asked, keeping his calm even in the face of the wave of anger that was Bakugo. "Blow me up? I'm sure that will go really well with the school."
"Hiding behind the school, h-"
"And what do you think will happen when you do that shit out in public? Hm? Do you think people would call you a hero then?" Kazuki pressed on, determined to keep his ground, else Bakugo would walk all over him again, and forever. You couldn't give guys like him any ground or they'd take everything. He had learned that in juvie. Maybe it was time to stop being afraid of screwing things up. "Do you think people would call you a hero right now?"
"I'm stronger than all you, little sh-"
"And I'm really fucking strong too, don't you think?" he asked, once more letting the negativity flow and making Bakugo pull back a bit. "Do you think that stopped anyone from calling me a villain? Do you think that stops anyone now?"
After that, the boy remained silent, glaring bloody murder at Kazuki. To the point that he worried he might have actually pushed too much and Bakugo might attack regardless of the consequences. In the end, after some very long, very tense seconds…
The blonde just clicked his tongue and sat down, leaning back, crossing his arms and scowling. Kazuki would almost say he was pouting, but he valued his life just enough not to point that out loud. With one troublemaker calmed down, he turned his attention to Iida, who had been standing there while he argued with Kazuki.
"Well?" he asked, because they were basically standing in front of Bakugo's seat. Iida had no business being there.
"I'm sorry for making a scene," the boy said, adjusting his glasses and moving away.
'Holy shit, I did it.'
"Holy shit, you did it," Mineta breathed out when he returned to sit with his group, unknowingly echoing his thoughts.
"There was a little too much cursing for my tastes, but at least you got them to actually stop for the moment," Yaoyorozu said, giving him a smile, if a little forced. "I just hope it'll stay this way for some time."
"I wouldn't bet on it, but I might keep doing it if I can get away with that," Kazuki commented, deflating on his seat. "It was a little therapeutic, honestly."
"And you didn't want to be vice-president, Creepy," Hagakure pointed out and he could hear the grin on her face.
He just rolled his eyes at her.
[}-o-{]
With a weary sigh, Kazuki leaned back, resting his head against the door to his balcony, once more surrounded by his plants. He was still trying to do something with the nodes in his negativity pool and he was… sort of getting better at pulling on the strand of emotion from there. The problem was that it was so… distracting and exhausting. He barely could keep himself doing that, no matter what emotion he tried.
Using that for anything looked like it'd be a lot of work, but he'd still try. He just needed to keep going. Soon, he'd be more used to pulling on those strands and then he could try to split his attention on creating a grimm too… Probably. That was the theory he was working with for the moment.
'Anyway,' he thought, pulling himself to a standing position and stretching a little. Sitting between the plants was nice and all, but it did cause all sorts of pain when he was there for a while. 'Time for a break and maybe get some homework done.'
With that decided, he walked in, pausing for a moment to look at the aquarium, following the denizens of the tank as they went about their lives. Then, he looked at the wall with pictures once more. All those things were… Kazuki didn't even think he had a strong enough word to describe what they meant for him. They were important, that was for sure.
However, as he looked at the wall with things from his friends, he found himself looking at the All Might autograph he'd gotten. With that, he recalled why he'd asked for it and considered what to do. It'd been an impulse more than anything but… Maybe…
Kazuki shook his head, that was all behind him. Besides, he hadn't heard a single word in forever. He was probably the only one that even remembered. Hell, he had forgotten for a while too, so…
Yeah, it was better to focus on his life. 'Let the past be the past,' he told himself, before moving to prepare himself a cup of tea. With that done, he started going over assignments he needed to finish and material he could read afterwards. He had a future to prepare for, contrary to how things were back then.
He had a life, he had friends, he had teachers, he had a future.
So why did his eyes keep going back to the autograph? Why did he get stuck in the past for this?
He knew why, he really did, but he just didn't want to acknowledge it. The one bright spot in his past, or maybe it was more accurate to say it was the least shitty one. There were few good things to remember for him, and now that he had much better things, he should be thinking about those… And yet…
He hit his forehead on the table with a groan.
'Fuck it,' he thought, pulling out his phone and looking for one specific contact. Before he could take it back, he pressed the call button and waited.
"Yes?" Aizawa answered, sounding as tired as he usually did.
"Hello. Sorry to bother you this late but…" Kazuki greeted, suddenly hesitant as his resolution faltered. Then he sighed and decided to get it over with. They'd say no anyway and that would be it. "I'm an idiot and I have a stupid ass request."
"... I guess things were going well so far," he heard his teacher breath out, as if through a sigh. "What is it?"
"I… I want to find someone and I don't know how," Kazuki admitted, moving to take the All Might autograph in his hand and looking at it. "We… Got separated, I guess, and now that I'm in a better place than back then… I guess I wanted to see how he is doing."
"A childhood friend?" Aizawa asked, sounding unimpressed.
"More like a juvie friend," he corrected weakly, knowing that that would be it.
"... And why do you want to get into contact with this person?" was the surprising question that followed then. Kazuki was already feeling pretty shocked that the conversation hadn't been left at that if he were honest.
"Because he was one of the few… Nice people I got to meet. We watched out for each other there," he answered as truthfully as he could. "I never knew what happened to him after he got out. I guess I wanted to… know, that's all."
There was a long moment of silence as Kazuki waited. Really, he was just happy that he'd been able to explain himself and he'd been listened to. If he was told no… Well, he could probably try and look some other way. Not very effectively, of course, but beggars couldn't be choosers.
"Please, please, tell me that you aren't going to do anything stupid," Aizawa said then and Kazuki felt his eyes widen in shock. "I like you, kid, but if you mess up…"
"I won't!" he replied instantly. "I just want to meet with him, talk and that's all. I promise. I'm… I really want to be a hero," he said, his words slowly losing force as he got through them, from ecstatic to hesitant. "I know it's… I know he might not be a good person. He wasn't the best back then either but… But I feel like I owe him that much, at least."
"I'm 99% sure that this is a mistake," Aizawa told him, sighing. "Please, prove me wrong."
"I will, I promise," Kazuki replied, sighing in relief before laughing incredulously. "God, I thought you'd tell me to shut up and keep my head down."
"Friends are important, especially those who watch your back," Aizawa replied, sounding like he was remembering something. "So, tell me who this person is and I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you, seriously," Kazuki couldn't help but say first. "So, his name is…"
Chapter 29
Kazuki blocked a blow with the armor on his forearm.
Adding some defense to his outfit had definitely been the right decision, he thought. Granted, he wasn't actually using his hero costume, but Yaoyorozu had made him some relatively similar replacement armor to get used to it for the moment. After all, he couldn't get the actual costume whenever he wanted. If he damaged it, the money for it would come out of his budget for support equipment, and Kazuki wasn't using that too much at the moment.
What mattered was that he was getting used to the changes in his own way, and it was going well. Between the armor and his Grimm Guard, Kazuki felt confident in his ability to fight someone himself in close quarters. He was no Midoriya or Sato, of course, but he was sitting comfortably in between the people that were more suited for range and those that were more suited for melee.
That didn't mean that getting hit by limbs that were basically made of iron didn't shake him though.
"That hurt," he mumbled, stepping back and shaking his arm after stopping another attack with its armor. Tetsutetsu was as much of a pain to spar with as Kirishima, Kazuki had found. Which was good for training purposes, but also annoying.
Beowolf claws did nothing to them, he knew. He'd also tried to shoot some nevermore feathers at them with his Grimm Guard too, but it had been just as useless, if not more so. Boarbatusks didn't offer Guard options other than defense, really. So…
His next attempt came from the beringels.
A hand from one of the gorilla-like creatures appeared from his shadow, smacking the iron boy hard enough that Kazuki knew he'd gotten through that defense, if only just a little. He confirmed that further with the groan that the boy let out, but mostly because of the spike of pain that he felt. Fortunately, he hadn't hit Tetsutetsu too hard. 'Ok, that one works… Gotta be careful not to go too far though,' he mused, grimacing a little as one of the beowolves that were fighting 1-B students slipped a little.
That bite had been too close for comfort, but he could manage. He could do it. He was only controlling four grimm, since he was also fighting someone himself. He could pull that off. He just needed to keep his head cool.
Or he could finish the spars faster by making more grimm-
"Fuck. Time out," he hissed, and Tetsutetsu immediately stepped back. "Thanks. Sorry."
"No worries, man. Not gonna lie though, that last hit got me good though. I was kind of hoping to hit back," the other student told him, grinning to let him know he wasn't serious. Kazuki replied with a wan smile of his own. Feeling just as uneasy as he did all the other times he almost slipped during training.
It was so frustrating too. Sometimes, like just then and there, he'd feel confident, he'd feel well. It was almost like he was in complete control, but the thoughts of pushing for more would still come. It was like he couldn't get rid of them.
… He really hoped that wasn't the case.
"Break?" Hagakure asked, appearing by his side with a bottle of water. He took it, but he eyed it cautiously. "It's not the knock out thingy. Honestly, Creepy, it was one time."
"And that's one time too many," he replied dryly. "And yeah, I think I'll take a break. Sorry for cutting it short, Tetsutetsu. I'll let you smack me some other time."
"It's fine, buddy. We still went at it for a while," the iron boy told him, waving him off before moving to the side of the training facility that held the machines.
With that out of the way, Kazuki turned to look at the rest of his grimm and their "sparring partners" as it were. Things were going well with his project to get other students to practice against his creatures. Granted, it was mostly from 1-A and 1-B, but he'd gotten a few older students to spar with them sometimes.
Well, "spar" was a strong word. Most of those had been just to try some new moves they were working on and little else, but Kazuki decided to not look a gift horse in the mouth… too much. Still, he was grateful that at least one of those had been a serious training partner and not just someone taking advantage of the non-human target his grimm represented.
That was nice of her.
"You can go train or exercise too, you know?" he commented, giving Hagakure a look as he took a gulp of the water bottle she'd given him. "I know I'm cutting into your time here already."
"It's fine. We are not all training maniacs like you or Kirishima," she replied, but he could feel the frustration in her that he'd ignored before. Tilting his head, he gave her a look… as best he could, considering he didn't know where her eyes actually were. "And I got kind of angry while trying to do new things with my Quirk, so I could use a break too."
"That's more reasonable, yeah, but I guess you are right. There's no need to be training everyday," he replied with a nod before running his fingers through his now wet white hair.
"You know that kind of makes me sound lazy, right?"
"It's not what I was trying to say at all," he reassured her with a wave of his hand before snapping his attention back to the grimm spars going on for a bit. "I just don't have much else to do, really. If you guys are busy, all there is for me to do is study, or spend time doing nothing back home. You have hobbies and family and a whole lot of other stuff to do. The situations are different."
"... That's a whole other way of making me feel bad," Hagakure pointed out, to which he grinned guiltily.
"Sorry," he told her with a shrug. "But it's what it is. Nothing we can do about it, and you shouldn't feel bad for having a good life. I don't want your pity, or for you to feel bad. Honestly, I'm happy for you, that's all there is to it."
"Really?"
"... Ok, I might be a bit envious at times, but that's just life. I'm not gonna get angry about it or anything," he admitted.
"That's… remarkably honest of you," Hagakure said hesitantly.
"You are a friend. I don't feel like I need to hide much," he replied.
"Hm, I guess that's that."
He just hummed in turn, focusing on the spars as the conversation died down.
"I'm sure you know." Or maybe it hadn't died down all that much. "But I'm scared a lot lately," Hagakure told him. To that, he simply hummed, because there was no point in answering either way.
He had felt her be like that quite a bit. When they were in class and Todoroki called attention to himself was one such instance, but she also was frightened when they were training regularly. She was scared at seemingly random times in class. That wasn't all she felt with regularity though. There was also helplessness and frustration added into the mix.
Unfortunately, Kazuki didn't really know what to do other than try and keep her mood up when they were together. He'd helped her start talking with someone about it, convincing her to visit Hound Dog, but that was the extent of what he could come up with. Not much but it was all he could think of.
"I really thought I was gonna die in the USJ, inside the ice," she mumbled, shuffling closer to him and speaking in a low voice that nobody else could hope to hear. At least, not without Quirk shenanigans involved, but Jiro was otherwise occupied at the moment and Mezo wasn't around, from what he could see. Beyond that, he didn't know if anyone else might be hearing. "And now, I can't stop thinking that it could happen again. I'm not… I'm not all that strong and my Quirk doesn't even really allow for support items so…"
"... Just because you have your strengths and you can't cover your weaknesses, doesn't mean you are helpless," he said after considering his words for a moment. "There's much you can do, and the things you can't or might find difficult, can be done by someone else. Hero teams are a thing, after all. Other people can be your support instead of equipment… It sounds kind of bad when I say it like that, doesn't it?"
"A little bit," Hagakure replied, letting out a short, slightly watery chuckle. "But I get it. Inui said something like that too. I'm just… I guess it'll take time to get over it."
"Or you might never "get over it"," he commented, feeling her emotions spike, predictably. "People don't seem to realize that sometimes you never quite get over the bad things," he said then, eyes following the movement of his grimm on the training grounds. "They just… fade into the background, like a scar that heals over, but can still hurt if you make the wrong move. Sometimes you just go on despite the pain or use it to be stronger than you were before," he explained, then he snorted weakly, running his fingers through his hair. "Or maybe that's what people mean and I'm just getting philosophical for no reason."
"Maybe," Hagakure told him, a hint of mirth showing in her tone as she pushed against him with her shoulder. The best sign for Kazuki though, was the way her negative emotions lessened, as if pushed to the side. "Still, thanks for listening. You were right. Sometimes just talking helps."
"Anytime, Bubbly," he replied with a grin.
After that, conversation really died down, with the two of them just standing next to each other and watching the rest of the training going on. Kazuki felt confident that he could have gone back to training in a more intensive way, but he felt like taking a longer break right then and there. It was always difficult to push through the outside negativity. Adding his own to the mix only made things worse, especially in that particular case, since he had to avoid frustration in a place that had plenty of that with everyone trying to be better in the training facilities.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Monoma," a sudden new voice said from behind them, making Kazuki and Hagakure jump a little. He grimaced then, grabbing at the metaphorical reigns of his grimm before they could slip from his control. With that done, he turned to see who had thought it was a good idea to surprise him.
Then he blinked, seeing a person who definitely had to be a teacher, considering they looked… well, very adult, and the fact that they were wearing a costume. The tower of a man in red and white had one hand on the shoulder of a blond boy that looked pretty familiar to Kazuki. There was disappointment coming from the man, while the student held frustration and envy in quite the amount.
Blinking, he regarded the two while the teacher seemed torn on what to do for a moment.
Then the man sighed.
"Don't use your Quirk on him, Monoma," the man said, making Kazuki take a step back cautiously, even if they were still some distance away. A moment later, he realized that the teacher had solely referred to him, not Hagakure, which was a little concerning. There were a number of reasons for that, and none of them sounded good to Kazuki's ears.
"The school's really playing favorites, huh?" Monoma commented, his envy spiking. "That's not what I expected from U.A."
"Nothing like that," the teacher said firmly. "But you copying his Quirk would be a terrible idea."
'Copying my-' Kazuki thought, eyes widening as he took another step back. Yeah, terrible wasn't even covering how much of a mess that could have ended up as. His Quirk had gotten stronger as he got older. If he had as much trouble keeping it under control as he was, what hope did someone new to it have? Unless this Monoma could copy his mastery over it, which… would be all sorts of unfair, really, even if it would have been for the better.
"Worried I'll steal the Quirk of one of the stars?" Monoma asked, bitterness clear in his voice and through Kazuki's sense.
"We know better than that, Monoma, but his Quirk is dangerous. If someone other than him had access to it, it could be a disaster," the teacher said, sending an apologetic look towards Kazuki that he just waved off.
"If you say so," Monoma replied, clearly not believing what was being said.
"Maybe we can explain better," Kazuki said then, joining the conversation for the first time, despite being a focus of it, and drawing the two's attention. "Somewhere more… private?" he added then, looking around at the training facilities.
"That would help, but there's no need to do that," the teacher told him. It took Kazuki a moment to realize that the teacher was giving him an out so that he wouldn't have to tell someone else who he was and what his Quirk had caused. That was… still something new to him, that someone cared enough to try to spare his feelings. Although, it became easier if he rationalized it as them trying to cover for the school's publicity.
He was pretty sure Hound Dog would have said that wasn't very healthy or something in that vein.
"It'll be easier that way," Kazuki replied, trying to show that he was fine with it. As fine as he could be, at least. Monoma clearly didn't like him, for some reason, so telling him that he'd caused a massacre was unlikely to help matters, really. However… "Anything so that he doesn't try to use my Quirk," he added wryly.
That was a bit too high a security risk, in his opinion.
Despite his words, the teacher seemed to be relieved that he'd decided to push through with his idea. Letting go of Monoma's shoulder then, he extended the hand towards Kazuki. Still a little on edge after the revelation that someone else could cause a Black Rampage now, he took the offered limb and shook it.
"Sekijiro Kan, or Vlad King, whichever you prefer," the man introduced himself with a slight smile. "And this is… one of my problem students, Neito Monoma."
"A pleasure," the boy said then, with a tone, expression and feelings that told Kazuki it was anything but.
"Kazuki Endo," he replied with an uneasy smile. "Can you get everyone up to speed, Hagakure?" he asked then, after the girl introduced herself to the two. "I think this might take a little bit."
"Sure thing," she told him, placing a hand on his arm and giving him an encouraging squeeze before leaving.
"Follow me, and Monoma, remember what I said," the teacher, Vlad King, said. Just in case though, Kazuki made it a point to walk as far away from the other student as he could manage. "Now, do you want me to do the talking or…?" the teacher said once they reached an empty classroom and he'd closed the door.
Kazuki didn't answer the question immediately, however. Instead, he regarded the other boy, Monoma. He was feeling worse than before, and it was making him nervous. Surely he wouldn't do anything stupid, right? Kazuki certainly hoped that was the case.
"I'm Kazuki Endo, like I said," he introduced himself instead of replying to the teacher's question. Then he gave Monoma a wry smile, deciding to get to the point. "You've probably never heard of the name but-"
"My classmates won't shut up about you, especially Kamakiri," the blonde interrupted. The admission seemed to turn the boy's mood for the worse, if that was even possible. Then he seemed to grumble something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like "traitors" to Kazuki.
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense. You might know me from before though, just not by that name," he said then, trying to get the conversation on track. Still, he couldn't help but make a pause there, closing his eyes to steel his resolve. "Does the name Black Rampage ring any bells?" he asked with an almost resigned shrug as he turned to regard the other student.
Monoma didn't answer immediately. He likely hadn't expected that to come out of nowhere like that, at least from him. After a moment though, Kazuki felt some twitches in the boy's emotions as he likely remembered hearing about the event at one point or another. Then the feelings settled into horror, his face paling and his eyes widening.
"You… But that… Then if I…" Monoma stammered, pointing at Kazuki and then back at himself.
"It's not a guarantee that you'd cause… that if you copied my Quirk… But I'm sure nobody wants to try and see if you do," he replied wryly, looking towards Vlad King to see the teacher watching the two with a mostly impassive expression. "I'm sure a try could be arranged, if you reallywant to, but we'd likely need to schedule something with Eraserhead."
"I… No, I'm… It's fine…" Monoma said awkwardly, his emotions turning into a mess. There was the previous frustration and envy, but they'd now been joined by horror, guilt and shame. Quite the mix the one Kazuki's fellow student was dealing with, it seemed. "I'm sorry."
"No harm done. You didn't know," he replied with a slight smile. "If that's all…"
"Yes, you are free to go. Sorry for interrupting you and the other's training," Vlad King told him with a sincere smile. "It's not always that we see people from different classes interact together. It's usually very divided."
"Well, you can thank Kamakiri. He was the one that approached me and started all this," Kazuki commented, evidently surprising the teacher. "Granted, he can be a little… enthusiastic about fights."
"That's one way of putting it," the teacher told him. "Still, keep going. I've already talked to students in my own class… Oh, I'm 1-B's homeroom teacher, in case you didn't know."
"I didn't, but good to know," Kazuki replied.
"I've already said as much to my own students," the man repeated before continuing. "But you are doing this school proud, all of you."
"Thank you," Kazuki said, unsure of what else to say. He wondered if it'd ever become easier to receive praise like that. It always felt so… overwhelming.
"Now, I believe I have to have a conversation with my student in the meantime."
"... Better you than me," Kazuki told Monoma wryly before leaving the room. He'd feel whatever shitty thing this oncoming lecture caused the blonde, but at least he wouldn't get the scolding on top of that.
[}-o-{]
"Tiny, I swear to God, if you don't get a grip," Kazuki commented as the two boys walked side to side. Not only was he having to deal with Mineta's nervousness through the little trek, but he also had to put up with his fidgeting out of the corner of his eye. It was getting more and more annoying by the second.
"I'm sorry it's just…" the boy started saying in his defense, snapping out of his unsure thoughts. However, he trailed off before he could say anymore. Kazuki felt the change in the emotions though, going from nerves to sadness to frustration to shame. "I don't even remember the last time I brought a friend home," he mumbled then, hunching over as if he were trying to make himself even smaller than he already was.
"It's gonna be fine, Mineta. Honestly, what's the worst that could happen?" Kazuki asked, looking blandly as his friend gave him a horrified expression. "It's an honest question."
"Don't you know you don't just ask shit like that? We'll be lucky if we both end up dead now," Mineta mumbled, a nervous wreck that would rival even Midoriya.
Kazuki sighed.
"Look, I'll tell you what the worst thing that can happen is. That's if you didn't tell your mother who I am and what I did. The worst that can happen then is that she kicks me out and tells you to stay away from the mass murderer-"
"First of all, you aren't a mass murderer…" Mineta interrupted, giving him a slight glare. "Accidental mass murderer, at worst."
"Because that's so much better."
"Second of all," the short boy continued, ignoring his words entirely. "I've told her and she's fine with it. Well, she'll be fine with it once she meets you."
"That's encouraging," Kazuki commented, unimpressed.
"She's just a little uneasy because she doesn't know you. She won't flip, I'm sure of that," Mineta reassured him, sounding more like he was trying to reassure himself. "I'm just… I want this to go well."
"It'll be fine, Mineta, don't worry so much," he told him with a smile, even if it was a small one. "We'll go in, it'll be a little awkward at first and then we'll start talking about embarrassing stories about you and it'll be nice. I'm sure."
"Yeah, it'll be fin-" Mineta started before pausing. "What?"
"So, don't worry so much, man. I have enough to worry about myself," Kazuki commented, forcing a grin on his face and a chuckle.
"What do you have to worry about if it's gonna be fine?" Mineta asked, narrowing his eyes. "You even met Jiro's father already. It's not like this is the first time you do this."
"I know, but it's your turn to reassure me, man. There was at least stuff to talk about at Jiro's shop. And we could let music fill the awkward silence part. And… Well, going to your house isn't the same, is it? Or am I just being silly?" Kazuki asked, his previously calm demeanor crumbling to pieces.
"You are, but I guess it makes some sense," Mineta replied, apparently much more at ease dealing with Kazuki's nerves than his own.
"This is the first time I've gone to hang out at a friend's house," Kazuki mumbled, running his fingers through his hair. "I want your mother to like me, just like I wanted Jiro's father to like me. I… I really like all of you guys. You are great. I don't want to cause problems because your parents don't like me."
"It's gonna be fine, Endo. Even if my mother hates you, which I'm sure she won't, I'll still be your friend," Mineta told him, to which he nodded. He knew that. If he'd stuck with him after learning who he was, he didn't think there was that big a chance that he'd turn on him because of this… But still, it'd be much easier and overall better if his mother liked Kazuki.
"Thanks for that, but still," he replied. In the end, he didn't say much more, because they reached their destination. Kazuki nervously walked to the door and followed his friend through the portal.
"Mom, we are here!"
"I'm in the kitchen!" he heard call from somewhere in the house and he couldn't help but compare that to when he'd come back from school as a child. He'd been young, but even then he'd arrive silently, else he bothered his parents. When he did announce himself at times, he'd get a similar answer, but filled with negativity and an edge to the words, as if telling him to stay away. "It's not ready yet, so just wait for a bit, ok, boys?" Mineta's mother told them but he frowned.
"Uh, do you mind if we go there? I'd like to introduce myself," Kazuki mumbled, to which Mineta gave him a somewhat amused look. He just nodded though, and led him to their new destination. "Ma'am, nice to meet you. I'm Kazuki Endo."
As he spoke, he felt a spike of unease and nerves from the woman, but it wasn't nearly as bad as he thought it'd be. He might have been checking that too intently, because he almost missed the woman replying with her own name and telling them what'd be there for dinner.
"Would you like to stay for dinner, Endo?" she asked then, and while the emotions were still there, he was pretty sure she was honest with the invitation.
"I wouldn't want to impose."
"Nonsense. You are a friend of Minoru's. It won't be a problem at all," she replied and he thought he got the hidden message there. She might have her reservations, but he was a friend of her son's, so she'd give him the benefit of the doubt.
Kazuki could work with that.
"Then would it be fine if I helped cook, at least?"
"Oh, I like you already."
He could definitely work with that.
Chapter 30
"They are getting more bold," Kazuki commented, glancing towards the classroom door while they waited for their next class. There were students from other classes at the door, peeking in as if they weren't as inconspicuous as a fire alarm. "It's very annoying," he added with a grimace.
He could feel their frustration, their envy, their anger.
These people really didn't like Class 1-A, for some reason. Kazuki could take a few guesses, but that didn't change the fact that it was grating on his nerves that these people persisted. It was disturbing the rest of his classmates by the day too.
On that note…
"You sure we can't do anything?" he asked Yaoyorozu. "Having some perks for being president and vice-president would be nice."
"They aren't doing anything to disturb our class," she repeated for what felt like the hundredth time. In response, all the group stared at her. The girl then coughed behind her fist. Kazuki picked up some embarrassment but also frustration. "Not enough. We can bring it up with a teacher again, but…"
"Yeah, that didn't go well last time," Hagakure commented, slightly bitter.
"People are starting to get antsy with the Sports Festival coming up," Jiro pointed out, even though they already knew that. Kazuki would know. For one, he was trying really hard to come up with ways to use the nodes in his negativity pool. He wasn't getting much progress done, but he thought that might be a key to an ace up his sleeve.
Or maybe he was heading to a dead end, but he liked hoping that it wasn't the case.
"Not that I blame them," Jiro added. "It's the most watched event in Japan. That's kind of… a lot of pressure."
"I try to focus on the fact that if things go well, it'll be great," Mineta commented, lying through his teeth. Kazuki knew he was just as nervous as everyone else, if not a little on the worse side. He'd keep his friend's secret though. Maybe he was trying to fake it till he made it?
"Just remember to keep your tendencies to yourself," Kazuki pointed out, drawing a roll of the boy's eyes even as he nodded. "Honestly, I'm more worried about-"
"It's pointless to try and check out the competition!" they heard Bakugo tell the people outside their door and Kazuki groaned. He'd felt the boy's anger rising, but that had spiked rather suddenly. He also could see, at that moment, how Yaoyorozu gave him a pleading look.
She really didn't like dealing with the troublesome bomber.
"You owe me so much," he hissed as he went to stand up.
"Thank you," the rich girl told him, to which he sighed.
"So why don't you just fuck off already?!" the aforementioned easily angered blonde continued. "You goddamn mob."
"That's enough, Bakugo," Kazuki said, giving the boy an annoyed look as he approached the door. He remained steadfast on the face of that anger being directed at him. "Just go back to your seat, alright? I'll try and get them to leave."
"Tch, I'm better than them anyway," Bakugo felt the need to add and Kazuki had to hold back a groan at the spike of emotions coming from outside. As if things weren't bad enough. If he didn't know any better, he'd have thought his classmate did that on purpose.
Actually, that might actually be the case.
"Didn't think the class that survived a villain attack would be so arrogant," a new voice said, stopping Bakugo before he could take more than a few steps. "Are all the students in Heroics the same? I gotta say I'm disillusioned."
Kazuki turned to look at a weary feeling and just as weary looking student. He was also oozing envy and frustration the same way Bakugo did anger or Midoriya did nervousness, which was the important part. 'Great, as if I didn't have enough with those two already,' he thought, taking a deep breath in.
"There's a lot of kids that end up in General Education or other courses because they failed the heroics test," the boy commented, rubbing the back of his neck. "Did you know that?"
"There are a lot of kids that fail a lot of tests, did you know that?" Kazuki asked, not seeing the point in the boy's speech.
"Robots," the boy commented, as if that answered or said anything. "Don't you think that's unfair for people with Quirks that work only humans, for example?"
"Hm, your case, I'm guessing," Kazuki commented, and the spike in emotions answered what the boy refused to. "So, I'm gonna ask you this. If you encountered a villain that you can't use your Quirk on, are you gonna complain to them about fairness?"
"We are here to learn-"
"I really don't care," Kazuki interrupted. Maybe because Bakugo's anger was getting to him, or maybe because of the emotions of those outside, or maybe it was because of his own. At the end of the day, he didn't feel like putting up with bullshit. "I know people that faced disadvantage in the entrance exam and passed. So, go cry to someone who cares, ok?" Kazuki asked the boy, giving him a tired smile.
"So, you really are all like that."
"Didn't look like you needed confirmation before," Kazuki pointed out. "But if you feel so insulted, do your best in the Festival. There's an empty spot in our class, in case you didn't know," he explained, feeling a pang of hurt, both himself and from others in the class behind him. "Maybe you can take it, or maybe you'll take my place in Heroics instead. That's something that can happen. If you do, great. It means you deserved it and I didn't. If you fail though, maybe you should complain less and work out more, because that's not a hero body you've got there, just saying."
There was silence then. However, even though the boy kept his expression mostly blank, Kazuki knew better. His emotions were all over the place and he looked ready to explode at times. At others, they almost seemed to go away. 'Weird,' he mused.
"I'm sure one of the other hundred students that seem to peek into our classroom can tell you guys whatever you want. Maybe you can make a group chat for that. But please leave, because we are here to learn, not to put up with curious masses. I think that's a second year class or something," Kazuki commented dryly, looking at the rest of the gathering of students outside the classroom. A few of them had the decency to feel ashamed, but few of them even moved. "Well, I tried."
With that, he turned to walk inside the classroom and back to his seat.
"Good job, B-Movie," Bakugo commented, grinning widely. It made Kazuki wonder if he'd really done good or if he'd messed up. Surely it couldn't be good if the guy was complimenting him, right? It felt weird. "Damn extras should have tried harder instead of bitching and moaning."
"You realize that they are all going to hate us, right?" Kirishima pointed out then and Kazuki grimaced.
"It doesn't matter," Bakugo commented, looking almost bored as he answered. "None of it matters once you're at the top."
"Besides," Kazuki continued with a shrug. "They were going to aim for us anyway. It's our spots that they want," he added.
"Thanks for that, very reassuring," Kaminari replied weakly.
"You passed the entrance exam and they didn't. Maybe they had a super Quirk that they just couldn't use, but that hasn't stopped us, has it?" Kazuki asked with a shrug. "I remember that happening a bunch during Aizawa's Quirk Apprehension test, and yet we are all still here. If you've worked enough to be here, you'll be here. It's as simple as that."
"Very inspiring, man," Kirishima told him with a grin and a punch to the arm that was probably more painful than intended.
"Just telling it like I see it," he said with a shrug. "With that handled, Yaoyorozu is on cat herder duty now."
"Gee, thanks," Sero called from the side, but he had a grin on his face anyway. "Good thing you won that vote though, Endo. Better you than me."
"Why do you think I voted for someone else?" he grumbled, drawing some chuckles from his classmates. As he looked at them though, he stood where he was instead of walking back to his seat. He saw his group looking at him curiously. Even some of the other classmates seemed to notice but didn't really pay him any mind.
He didn't move, as he looked around and considered something. These people, they were his classmates. It was something he knew, but not something he thought much about. He cared about his group of friends, but beyond that, these people might as well be in another class, really. He interacted with them on occasion for his vice-president duties but other than that…
And yet, at that moment, when it became about their entire class more solidly, Kazuki was struck. He trusted these people. They'd survived USJ. They'd gotten rid of Aoyama. They were getting stronger, he knew. They were a group in their own right.
He moved towards the teacher's desk instead of his own. He looked towards the door as he did, noticing that the other students had left already. Class would start soon, so that made sense. That was good too, he wanted some privacy for this.
"Can I have your attention, guys?" he called, and everyone turned to look at him. At the back, the one to catch up the quickest seemed to be Mineta. Then again, the little guy seemed to understand him the best out of everyone. "There's something you should know, in case you don't."
He felt the change in some of them, which were some that he knew were aware and some that he didn't. That was expected though. He'd guessed there'd be more that had figured that out. Especially after the USJ. Still, he needed to get it out there for real. The Festival would surely bring it to the public, so it was better that those closest to him knew.
"I'm Kazuki Endo, but what's important right now is that I'm also… the one that caused the Black Rampage years ago," he said, trying his best to keep a strong front even as his nerves picked up inside him enough that he could almost match Midoriya. Some emotions spiked, some simply shifted. Regardless, he soldiered on. "You should know that. And if anyone thinks I should stop being vice-president, then I'll understand and I'm sure we can do something about that."
With that over, Kazuki just stood there for a second before nodding to himself and starting to walk back to his seat. He took some solace in the fact that his friends were feeling the same. He didn't expect them to turn on him now that he was being more public, but it was still nice to see.
"Endo," someone called him and he paused, turning to look at Sero. "I did say that it was better you had that position than me," the boy said, but his smile didn't quite feel as honest as before, more like he was forcing it. However, Kazuki noticed that he didn't quite feel so bad, actually. "I talked with a cousin of mine after the USJ. He said he didn't blame you for what happened."
"... Can I know his name?" Kazuki asked softly, taking a step closer to the other boy.
"Shoichi Mihara," Sero replied and he nodded immediately. 'Injured leg, permanent limp,' he remembered. That one he knew had been caused by one of his grimm.
"Tell him I'm sorry," Kazuki said softly.
"I told you what he thinks, right?" Sero pointed out.
"Still, I know what I did affected him. I know what happened to him," he told his classmate, not wanting to say more than that. He didn't want to go around spreading information like that in public, when the rest of the class was hearing. "So, just tell him anyway, yeah?"
"Yeah, I can do that."
"And thanks, for telling me that."
"Don't mention it, vice-president," Sero shot back, making Kazuki grin slightly.
[}-o-{]
"While I understand your frustration, I think you could have handled that situation better," Inui told him during their next session, after Kazuki told him of the day's events. "All in all, nothing that you should be worried about. Competition is a normal thing, especially in an institution as prestigious as this one. I'm just glad you didn't further antagonize them. You could have done much worse than you did, but you might have motivated some of them to do better too. So, overall, I think this might even be a positive thing. Don't take that as encouragement though."
"I won't. Honestly, it's just good to know I didn't screw up," Kazuki replied, slumping against his chair in relief. "And the other thing?" he asked, running his fingers through his hair.
"You are free to tell whoever you want, Kazuki," Inui reassured him kindly. "As you say, by the Festival, it's almost a sure thing that it'll be known who you are and what your general situation is like right now. We are prepared to deal with that. If we have any say in the matter, you won't even realize anything happened at all."
"I'm not expecting that kind of thing, but I just… I guess I'm nervous. I'm building a life now, one that I actually like," he commented leaning forward this time and resting his arms on his knees and then his forehead on his hands. "I don't want everything to crumble around me."
"It won't happen, Endo," the counselor told him softly but firmly. "I do believe your friends will stick by you even then. And if nothing else, you can count on this institution to have your back. Nezu likes you too much to let something happen."
"I guess I'll take that," Kazuki mumbled, sighing and standing up. He moved to the side of the room, where the water dispenser was, to take fill himself a plastic cup of water. "Was there anything else we had to talk about?"
"I don't believe so," Inui said, in that tone that Kazuki was coming to know as the one where he had more to say on the matter. "You did say something interesting there, if you don't mind me pointing that out," he added, and the boy had to hold back a flinch. "The part where you didn't know why you felt like you did. When you said that, it sounded like it was more important than you wanted to let on."
"..." Kazuki remained silent for a long moment after that, taking a gulp of the water as if that would get rid of his sudden bout of nerves. "You remember… I think it was our first session. I told you that I hated my Quirk."
"I do remember that, yes," Inui replied calmly.
"One of the reasons why I hate it, one of the most important ones, maybe even more than the whole nightmare creatures that cause massacres… Is that because of my Quirk, I don't know," Kazuki told the man, moving with his plastic cup to the side of the room with the windows facing outside.
"You don't know… what?" Inui prompted then.
"I don't know who I am, sometimes," Kazuki replied. "Most of the time, really, but sometimes I forget about that part. Sometimes I can pretend I know who I am."
"Why do you feel like that?"
"Because sometimes I wonder how much of what I feel, of what I think, is myself," Kazuki commented, his voice and expression turning flat, hollow. "Am I tired now, feeling tired, because this isn't something I want to talk about, because it's something draining. Or I am feeling and thinking that when in reality it's all because of the exhaustion I'm picking up from the training facilities?"
He didn't receive an answer to that, but he wasn't really expecting that. There was a lot to unpack from that alone, he supposed. Hound Dog had kind of been hit with it out of nowhere too, even if he'd asked for it.
"Am I feeling nervous about this whole thing because I'm nervous, or because I'm picking up on Midoriya's nerves and everyone else in my range? Was I really angry today or was it everyone else that made me angry with their own feelings?" Kazuki continued, smiling sadly as he looked outside the window. "Sometimes I wonder how much of me is… me, and how much of me is just everyone in my range. Am I Kazuki Endo or am I an amalgamation of everyone else? Is Kazuki Endo just the glue putting together the pieces of negativity that his Quirk picks up?"
He turned to regard the counselor once more, feeling the pity, sadness and a bit of horror rolling off of the man.
"Those questions keep me up at night sometimes," Kazuki admitted with a shrug before taking another sip from his cup. "I don't know if I want an answer to them either."
"If I may offer my opinion as someone that doesn't know a hundred percent what you go through…?" Inui asked, to which Kazuki looked at him and gave him a nod that might as well have been another shrug. "I believe that you are Kazuki Endo, a boy that has a Quirk that influences who he is more than most Quirks do. At the end of the day, you are you, Endo, Quirk or no Quirk. Everyone is shaped by what they experience, what happens to them, what they live through. It just so happens that your Quirk gives you more to be than what the normal person does."
"... You think so?" Kazuki asked, his voice soft, calm, even if he felt anything but. He tried, futilely, to keep himself from hoping.
"I do, but there's something simple we can do to try and help you understand better," Inui continued speaking then, drawing the boy's attention much more intently. "In a much calmer situation, it should help, I imagine."
Kazuki just tilted his head, a little confused.
[}-o-{]
"How is it that you didn't think to ask me, if you were having such thoughts?" Aizawa asked him that same day while Kazuki sat awkwardly at the other side of his table, back in his apartment. In his hands, he fidgeted with the cup of tea in his hands.
Truthfully…
"It… er, didn't occur to me?" he replied with an awkward smile. In response, he got an unimpressed look. "I really didn't… at least, I didn't before the USJ."
"And then?" the man urged and Kazuki looked to the side.
"I… didn't know if you would bother. I… It sounded… I thought it would be… Spoiled? Presumptuous? I don't think those are the words I'm looking for," he answered as best he could. He really didn't know what the real answer was. He wasn't sure why he hadn't gone to the man before, just that he… hadn't wanted to, despite very much wishing to.
"Why would you ask me to find your friend, but not ask me to erase your Quirk for a bit so that you can avoid having an identity crisis?" Aizawa bluntly, making Kazuki grimace. Yeah, he could tell why he wasn't a counselor and Inui was.
"I… the other thing felt more important?" he replied hesitantly with a nervous smile. In turn, he got a flat stare as a response from his teacher as they sat there in awkward silence.
"... You are not used to asking for things for yourself, are you?" he asked, looking around the apartment. "You bought the plants yourself. And the tank and the photos were done for you without having to ask."
"I guess… that could be a way to look at it?" Kazuki mumbled, his eyes locked on the liquid inside his cup before he brought it up for a sip. "I don't know, really," he added, shrugging.
He heard Aizawa sigh.
"I won't erase your Quirk for long. I could push it, but-"
"That's not necessary," Kazuki interrupted, not looking up. He knew where the man was going. He'd considered it already, but that was fine. "I just… I want to feel like myself… I want to know what it's like to feel like myself," he said, closing his eyes for a moment and spending a second frustrated, hating the emotions that came to him. "I just want to be without… this for a second. A second in which I won't have the weight of almost a second massacre on my shoulders."
"And villains around that wanted to kill you?" Aizawa asked.
"... Honestly… That part slipped my mind entirely at the moment. I was too busy replaying what I had done… almost done," Kazuki admitted with a guilty smile. "I guess that makes me self-centered."
"I'd say that it must have been a shock, to have that happen again. I think it's understandable that you focused on that," Aizawa told him, but he didn't really listen to that. In response to his silence, the teacher simply sighed. "Not that I mind just drinking tea, but how do you want to do this?"
Instead of answering, Kazuki brought the cup to his lips, took a sip and then set the thing down. He straightened himself on his seat and looked across the table at his teacher. Taking a deep breath in, he prepared himself. He had to make it count.
"I'm ready when you are," he said, and after Aizawa gave him a nod, he felt it.
The emotions disappeared.
The weight of the negativity in him vanished.
There were no foreign emotions tugging at his mind. There was no urge to release the darkness inside him onto the world. There were no grimm telling him to let them out. There was no desire to make the foreign feelings go away.
It was just… him.
Kazuki sat there for the few seconds the moment lasted, just… thinking. He thought, and he felt, and for once it was just him. He found himself… not that different from normal, surprisingly. He felt more or less the same but… free.
All too short, as most good things tended to be, the moment passed and his Quirk became active once again. As it happened and everything hit him once more, he closed his eyes. A lone tear fell from his black eye while he tried to remember that moment, to burn it in his memory.
That was what being Kazuki Endo felt like.
"Thank you," he mumbled, not opening his eyes as his mind continued replaying those seconds again and again.
"Don't mention it," Aizawa replied softly. "And we can do this again, you know? Just not too often."
"I hadn't even thought about asking for more," Kazuki said, lying through his teeth. He had thought about it, oh had he thought about it. He just hadn't wanted to.
"You are an entirely different type of problem child, aren't you?" the man asked, sounding both amused and frustrated. "I guess that's something to keep in mind when dealing with you."
"Sorry," Kazuki replied, opening his eyes again and giving the man a somewhat nervous, somewhat amused grin. Then the expression slipped from his face as he gripped at the cup between his hands. "Really, I… I can't thank you enough for this. That was…" he trailed off, his words failing him.
"I said not to mention it," Aizawa repeated, sounding slightly exasperated. "Back to this friend you wanted to find," he continued then, making Kazuki blink. "We found him," the man added, pulling a piece of paper from his pocket and passing it to Kazuki over the table.
"You did? That was… faster than I thought," he commented, surprised as he took the note and read it over. "I thought it'd take longer."
"When you are in the business as long as I've been, you get to know a few people," Aizawa offered as a way of explanation. Kazuki couldn't care less about how it had happened though.
"Thank you," he said, this time having to push to the side the conflicting emotions inside him. He'd asked for it, of course. However, he had almost wanted them to take longer. This… He didn't know how this was going to go.
"Not that it's any of my business… but he seems like he could use a friend right now," Aizawa said, making Kazuki look up. Those simple words were all he needed though.
He nodded.