It's been three years. Oliver had become part of our family. He is good at his school grades, as well as academically. Overall, he is a good kid. Nothing changed between Josh and me; we quarrelled regularly, but it was all within four walls.
I was somewhat successful in the field of farming. Growing the rare crops could be called my achievement. I was happy, finally I am doing what I actually like, and I am content with my life.
I don't like my idle time, which makes me think of so many things, especially about my past. Whenever old memories flood my mind, it always prompts me to distance myself from Josh and become angry for every possible reason. I do feel like running away, but my attachment to Oliver is holding me back. If I am gone without giving it a second thought, he will be sent back to the orphanage, and I don't want that to happen.
'Matter of a few years,' I heard these words from Josh, and it was not. I am getting that now. This is a lifelong bond that we are building and a mutual commitment. If I stay, this bond will be lost forever, and if I step out, it will collapse. Great trap.
I hate how I was stuck in my past, not able to forget and move on. Every word and incident is strongly registered in my mind, and I can't get rid of them, no matter how hard I try. For Josh, it was an everyday task. He was trying his best to make up for everything, but he was not successful, and he knows that. He is bearing my mood swings and has adopted them. He had become a perfectionist around me. He knows the exact button to push to gain situational control. I am amused.
How can love and hate exist at the same time? Is it my fault for not forgetting and moving on when his bloody face is prompting his previous actions? I wish I could erase my memories, including his. And he would create fresh memories, my subconscious.
Ed and David were married and adopted a girl. It happened a few months ago, and I am still shocked. To my horror, David was the one who proposed to Ed, and the adoption idea was also David's. How the hell did he turn this way? He was smitten, for sure, and he trapped Ed. They are happy. We would get together, but it doesn't end well for obvious reasons. David was the same around me. He would always flirt. Ed had gotten used to his flirting, and Josh had not. He would always end up getting pissed and abruptly dragging me out.
My sister and Josh were always bickering and pissing each other off to the core. Maria loves pissing Josh off.
I was researching and digging information on tropical regions, studying climatic conditions, when I received a call from Oliver's school informing me to come immediately. The principal looked pissed over the call. What the hell might have happened?
After the visit, I dragged Oliver back to the house. I was doing my best to control my outburst. I don't know who or how to blame for this matter. This type of incident provoked me to think about my sister's statement about Oliver being that bastard son. He is bloody 12 for fuck's sake. I was suppressing everything to lash out in front of Josh; if he doesn't come home soon, I am fucking going to his company.
"What happened? I had a board meeting; I had to cancel that." "It's not fucking my concern; got it." "OK, please calm down. Tell me what happened." "Please tell me, by any chance, is Oliver your son?" "Geez, what made you think like that?" "Let me reassure you that at this point, I can suck up anything. Just admit it for fuck's sake." "I am conscious of my sperm. Knowing my outcome, I would never bring something into this world. Did I forget to mention that I hate kids to the core? Now tell me what happened and what made you think that." "Concerning a few things, he is a fucking spit image of you." "What did he do?" "He was trying to have sex in the restroom and got caught by his teacher." "What he is fucking 12." "Look who is talking." "This is not fair; you can't blame me for this." "Hey, like, seriously. Not to blame you. Did you fucking share with him about your past or what?" "Hell, no, are you out of your mind? I didn't do such things. Never will." "Great; he had the balls to do such a thing at such a young age. Guess what? He was trying with a 15-year-old girl." What? He got things for the elderly one. I had just gotten to thrust my curiosity, but when I tried, I was fucking mature enough. I sincerely hope Gray doesn't bring Maria up on this matter. "OK, will you calm down? Let me talk to him." "Do whatever you want. I am fucking done with both of you." "Hey, don't include me." "Get lost. Go and talk to him." With that, he stormed to our room.
This kid, damit.
I made my way to Oliver's room. He was lying on his bed. I was standing near the door, and he felt my presence but didn't acknowledge it. Sometimes this kid pisses me off, just like Gray.
"If you get on Gray's nerves again, I am kicking you back to where you came from, ok?" He was staring at me and spoke. "That's child abuse." "You know I can do that, right?" "I know. If it weren't for Papa, you would never have adopted me in the first place." "Don't piss him off. I don't want him to get angry and divert toward me." "Sorry." "Can't you wait till you get a little bit older?" "Look who is giving me advice." I lied to Gray. I had shared a few things with Oliver, and it was a big reminder to me to think before sharing anything.
"I hate sharing a few things with you so much. I should watch in the future while opening my big mouth." "It's too late." "God, at least don't get caught. Can't you be conscious?" "No wonder Papa hates you to his core, always cursing whenever he is facing you." "Hey, I am being friendly over here. Just don't piss him off. I am serious. Can't you behave for a few more years?" Oliver patted the space beside his bed, and I made my way, lying beside him. "You love him so much." "You don't have any idea." "If I am not wrong,he always curses you and hates your shadow, too." "Yeah, and that's ok." "Why? What have you done to him?" "That's a long story, and I don't want to dig up the past; it's depressing." "Share a bit; I am curious. He hates you, but he still stays with you." "Only because of you." "Yeah, I am one of the reasons, but still, I am confused." "You are too young to understand these things."
Oliver made me face him; we were facing each other. "Why do you love him so much?" A smile formed on my lips. Why do I love him so much? As if I knew the bloody answer. "Seriously, I don't know. I never questioned. People who were close to me said I fell for him from Day 1. I didn't realize it until a few years back. Something happened, and I left him. I thought I was okay without him. I was leading my life as if nothing affected me. It affected me deeply. Unknowingly, I was addicted to everything that would make my mind pause from wandering around him. I was feeling good while cutting my wrist; I don't know why. So many times I was tempted to jump off the roof. I even tried to walk on the edge of the roof. Nothing was making sense, but I was doing horrible things. My past had blinded me. So many things happened before I realized what he meant to me. I don't know whether it's too late or not, but I am not going to give up. I will try till my last breath to hold him near me and win him over. Maybe one day, if I am lucky." "Did you share this with Papa?" "No." "Why?" "I already trapped him, and I don't want to use emotional things on him." "You should, don't you think?" "No. He doesn't need to know all those things. He is with me; that's enough. I will wait till my last breath." "Crazy." "Attachment and love make you one."
We were silent, and I was facing the ceiling. I was too attached to Gray, and coming out was not an option in this life. This attachment scares the hell out of me, but I am willing to die rather than give up on him. "I am sorry. I won't repeat my mistake." "You know I am not the one you should be saying sorry to." "Don't worry, I will make up with Papa. I know him well." "Yeah, right." "I am being serious. I know him more than you do." "Don't sprout anything, ok?" "Yeah, right. We should try this more often." "What?" "This talking thing." "Hey, I will do that when I have time." "Try more often. It's fun listening to your misery." "Great, just get up and do your work. I will talk to Gray and remember about apologizing to him." "I know, I know. Get going."
I exited Oliver's room and made my way toward Gray. He was reading some books. I joined him, and he promptly ignored me. Geez, it's been years, and his way of showing cold shoulders toward me is at the same level. "I talked to him, and he is not going to repeat his mistake." "Ok. You should do a DNA test for safety. Sometimes his symptoms match like hell." "I know myself, and there's no need for that. You are exaggerating. Common Gray, no one waits till 17 to try things." And I should have held that sentence. He pushes me sometimes, and I can't help it. "Fuck off, ok." By saying that, he stormed out of the room, which was great.
After showering, I made my way to the dining room, and Gray was preparing something. I helped him, and thank God, he allowed me. We were at the dining table, and I was serving the food. "I am sorry, Papa. I won't repeat it. It was a mistake." Gray was still angry, and I had poured more fuel on it. "You are too young to try stuff. Wait for a few more years. Please don't follow him; he gulps down the word "No. I love you more than Dad. I won't follow Dad's footsteps. I want to be like you. Sorry, Papa."
Is he really saying these words in front of me? Sometimes I do feel like he is a replica of me. Geez. "It's ok. Please be aware in the coming days, ok? Concentrate on your studies for now." "OK, I get it, and I am going to follow your advice. Don't send me back to the orphanage, please." "What? What made you think we would do that?" "Dad is really upset, and words came out of his mouth."
I choked on my food. He didn't do this. He set me up. God, I am going to kill this kid. There was a devious smile running down his face. Gray was holding his best because of Oliver. "Did you sprout those things in front of a kid?" I gulped it down. This is not happening. "I mildly try to threaten so that he can learn from his mistake." "By telling him that you will kick him back, are you bloody out of your mind? He is a kid. On his face, you said those words. What would he feel after hearing those? Why can't you think before opening that mouth? What the hell am I going to do with you?"
Once again, he is exaggerating. This is not a big deal. I bet even Oliver didn't mind those words, but he got back to me on the same day. "Ok, I am sorry. I will be careful next time, ok?" "Ask him, not me." "What?" "You should be apologizing to him. Do it." I want to rip that smile off Oliver's face. I did nothing. That was a mere word I was not going to follow, but now I feel like I should kick him out at this second. I hate this kid so much. Hell with my life. Gray was staring at me, and he was not going to back down. If I don't apologize now, the later days will be pure hell. Why the hell do I bother to adopt him? He was bloody good at that orphanage. Ok, let's do this. "Oliver, I am sorry, and I am not going to spout those words again, ok?" "Dad, I know you don't like me, but you should know that I do love you, but less than Papa." By saying that, he kissed Gray on the cheek. I wanted to kill this kid at that moment. Only if looks could kill. There was a mockery on his face, and really, he was testing my patience. "It's pretty late; we should head back to our room." "Yes, Papa." My appetite was gone, and I left the table. I felt defeated in front of a kid.
Gray entered the room. I was in front of the laptop just to divert my mood, but nothing was working. "Why are you furious? For fuck's sake, he is just a kid." "I am not furious. I am bloody ok with everything that's happening." "Like hell, you are. How do you treat a kid the same way they treat you back, ok?" "Don't start now. I am not in the mood for any lecture." "Whatever." By closing my laptop, I tried to get some sleep. I want to control myself, or else I will erupt like Lave on Gray.
Gray was on my shoulder on his own. I opened my eyes just to confirm, indeed, that he was. "Oliver was just teasing you." "You got that and didn't stop him." "Once in a while, you need to taste your own doing, and Oliver is bloody perfect in giving it back." "Hey, don't praise that brat in front of me." "Why are you jealous of a kid? It's pathetic." "You don't know me. I can be jealous of anyone who is fucking trying to be close to you. Even newborns." "Oh god, you are a fucking psychopath. Go away." By saying that, Gray was off to take a shower, and my legs followed him on their own.