My life probably had become a mess, a beautiful mess. First is losing my virginity and then the two boyfriend's thing. I could feel sorry for Finley because wherever he was, he was probably abstaining. On the other hand what was I doing? I was being unfaithful. Not once so that we can call it a mistake. It happened over and over again whenever Sidon wanted or myself. My love for him kept deteriorating not only because I had found the sense of touch in someone else but also people's words were stuck in my head "if you don't fuck with your boyfriend, the bond between the two of you becomes weaker.' If I clearly recall that might have been Anne or August. They were somewhat of my legal advisors. I'd do whatever they'd say. They were my best friends. One ideal evening I reached out to Sidon and told him I wanted to see him but not in his house. He agreed and asked me to meet him on the Saint Bernadette Street. It was the street that led to his house. I never had anything important to tell him I just wanted to see him. At around five o'clock in the evening I was seated by the street benches awaiting him with my headphones on. Blankly I stared at the busy street. Kids running on the lanes, vehicles moving some at full speed others on average. The roadside food sellers who had the most customers and who never had at all. Happy couples holding hands together, friends who seemed to be gossiping, people taking street photos, it was such a busy street. Thirty minutes later he showed up and began his excuses 'I'm sorry the traffic was monstrous" and as usual I believed. Away we walked with my arms in his. I wonder whether there was someone else who was wondering how I did earlier and perhaps thought of us as a happy couple.
What are we I asked, I clearly had no idea that, this was the most stupid question to ask a man. Perhaps he had his ear pods on so I decided to air my question out once more. Ouch! That hurts another moment of silence. It's like something was stuck in my throat and my heart broke literally I heard it crack in my chest. My eyes wanted to betray me but I promised in that moment, that I was dreaming. Some sought of nightmare and I would wake up from it anytime. I pulled my arm from his. After a moment of silence for his dead feelings he began to explain why probably making everything worse making me prefer the silence and regretting the question. 'I like everything about you,' He broke the silence '…but I guess I got back with my girlfriend since you never answered whether you wanted to be my girlfriend.' I stood still but shaky, staring blankly, my heart beating loudly. Every one walking by looking at me as if they knew I had been rejected. The cruel voices in my head echoing his words loudly and suddenly a sharp pain in my lower belly that brought me back into reality. Fuck! I cussed as I held my tummy, my heart pounding loudly, straining to breathe. It was almost like someone was suffocating me. I staggered to the seat near-by 'Are you okay, some stranger asked as he helped me sit? Thank you, I showed my gratitude and he walked away just then my so called lover realized he had left behind. He turned around and he sat with me. Not knowing what I was going through. Both my stomach pain and heart pains. So I'm just a sex tool? You call me when you're horny and want to satisfy your lust? 'I asked without anything after all he made it clear I stood no chance with him. Before he answered I hit him with a series of questions. What does she have that I don't? Who is she? Why her and not me? My voice was so shaky, my head wanted to explode. Personally I wished for the ground to open and swallow me alive. The weather changed suddenly and it began to rain. Every one ran for a shelter, those with umbrellas opened them up. I walked slowly under that rain feeling the wrath of the rain drops that were hitting me so hard. I enjoyed that no one could realize I was crying. I stood all of a sudden like someone who had remembered something. 'Perhaps the rains are mourning with me, 'I thought smilingly as I wiped my tears. A few steps away from me he came back for me "What are you doing?' he asked as he pulled me to one of the nearest unfinished building. I walked up and up the building without saying a word. It's like I was possessed and some evil force was directing me. From my back he followed calling me and explaining shit. 'Naya! Naya! Naya! Please listen to me. I'm sorry if you felt like a sex toy…. Blah! Blah! Blah! And other things that I clearly can't tell what they were. Once I got to last floor I walked to one of the dark corners I coiled myself shakily. He sat next time trying to apologize but I'm grateful to the heavens for the rains, I couldn't hear a word from his filthy mouth.
The sky was already welcoming the night, and where we sheltered had become dark. It was very cold and none of us hard carried a cardigan or a heavy sweater so each of us shivered in the dark corner. Once the rains began to fed away he broke silence "You know I like you, and I'm sorry if you feel like a sex toy. Don't be mad at me, I can't bear all this silence you're feeding me it's the worst form of torture.' I gave him my ears and attention but looking at him apologize, the movement of his lips, his sincere eyes and the movement of his hands proved sincerity all that kind of turned me on. I wanted him to quit the talking and devour me like the hungry wild animal he was. My pot craved his wood; I wanted to feel his touch once more. At the end of all this desires, I had a flash of my rejection He doesn't want anything to do with you, the voice in my head made sure to remind me. I looked away and supported myself with the wall to get on my toes and walk down the stairs. Perhaps he was a gentleman after all as he helped me get up, as our eyes locked and another wave of silence experienced. 'Say something Naya, talk to me.' "What do you want me to say? You're already decided,' in a humbled voice I replied. Without any notice he pulled me in and his lips were on mine. This is was what I needed desperately a few seconds ago but at the moment it's like I never wanted. The only problem is that I have never learnt how to say no to people. I have an out of body moment like I can't believe this was actually happening. I couldn't wrap my mind around what I had done to make it possible because according to my calculations he had put an end to us. I tell myself to live the moment. After all it wouldn't hurt to do it for the last time, just like the last supper in the Bible, Jesus and his twelve disciples. His arms wrapped around my waist he continues to claim my mouth. My hands gripped his hips, then clawed up his back, wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him against him devouring his lips. It was a struggle between us for who could be rougher. He picks me and slams back against the wall. I grasp his hair at the nape of his neck mercilessly, hoping to feel him twitch in pain. I bit at his lower lip until he moaned into my mouth and I tasted iron. I licked the drop of blood. 'Oh!' I stared up at him, watching him fight the heated blush. 'I'm Sorry." "Naya, don't be sorry. It was sexy." He looked at my lips as he let me down from his hips and his expression grew serious putting on his pants "It will be hard for me to forget about you and all the things we've done." "It was great while it lasted," pulling on my pants as I walked away with my broken heart and satisfied lust. Anne wasn't in the house; she had gone to her Boyfriend's place for the night. The temptations of calling were irresistible but I had to do something and blocking him wasn't the best option. I switched the phone off and tried to get some sleep. I rested my head on the pillow looking at the very white ceiling. I stared blankly darting my eyes all over. I didn't think of anything in particular, my mind was blank and the heart-break was the least of my worries. For several minutes I tossed in my bed from side to side, throwing the beddings away because it was kind of hot. Well then I had to cover up myself because it was very cold as well. It was difficult to get myself sleep. I took my phone and began to browse through. For minutes I was wide awake but then around eleven o'clock I fell asleep. The next that woke me up was Anne "You do realize we are late for the mock trial as she pulled my beddings away and she grabbed her towel straight to the bathroom. I stretched as I forced myself to sit half awake. I made my bed and walked into the bathroom after she was done. On our way to school she broke the silence "I'm afraid that Austin might have messed me up last night,' I looked at her wondering what she meant. What do you mean?" I asked her. She continued "last night we had it raw (smilingly as I gasped and smiled out "HUUH!") I wasn't in my safe days and I think he pulled out a little bit late '
"I also smashed with Sidon yesterday, and it was in an unfinished building with no protection and I doubt if I was in my safe days." "No fucking way! Unfinished building? That guy is doing a lot please, in a forest and now this? In a shocked voice she asked. "Yeeees!! So if anything we will be godmothers, so fuck your worries and focus on your mock trial.
Outside the mock court most students stood outside there. Most stood in groups of four to five "Wow!" they all look great with their official wears, I thought to myself as we walked past them. The air was filled with their echoing voices "make sure you don't forget your questions." Some were flaunting how they were the district attorney's; others said they were going to defend the same way Harvey Spector does. Seeing how everyone looked spectacular, the seriousness on their faces just made me more than happy. It was amazing, at that moment I looked into the sky and said "Dear God, let thy all dreams come true."
'Do you have someone who can confirm your alibi? You say you were not at the scene of the crime but your phone was recovered a few meters away from the scene, I'm asking again do you have an alibi? 'Yes,' the accused responded. You know you're on oath and lying is an offence? Anne threw her series of questions. She'd make the best advocate if only she didn't let her emotions guide her Arnold was the defending attorney in his case in their rape case. He questioned the complainant thoroughly almost into tears. He pocketed his left hand while the right one continuously tapped on the witness stand. Moving up and down swiftly might have made the witnesses uneasy. "You said when they broke into the house you never heard? But also you said you had the time to switch on the lights and recognized their accused's face? Explain it to us how that works. When the witness took time to answer he would sigh softly "MHH!' and keep on moving swiftly across the stand his head looking down as if trying to remember where the witness might have contradicted himself or herself. At the end of it all he was declared the best oralist and his team was declared the winning and I bet it was because of Arnold. Later at August's bodega we had a private girls talk 'How I lost my virginity' August went first since she lost it first and was a single mother so she was more experienced. "I was still in high school and he was in college. I was madly in love that when he asked to smash I didn't think about safe days. Two months later it's when I realized I had not experienced my periods. When I decided to test it came out positive, two months. I was confused, I never knew how to break that to my parents and I had zero ideas of how my boyfriend would react. Either way I decided to tell him first, and guess what that perverted whore declined the responsibility. I headed my parents, after breaking the news they turned me from their dear daughter to a slave. That lump of foul deformity made my mother mistreat me; he ruined my education and my life now I just run a store." Tears cascading she kept saying how her siblings mistreated her and how she was grateful to the Almighty Lord for us. We were the sisters she never had.
Sobbing from the corner where she sat, Anne said "That's a touchy story and its sweet of you call to us your sisters." She wiped her sour eyes as well since she had been crying as well. Oh my God make me cry, I thought. Why was everyone crying except me? Was I on her mother's side? Not. Only that I'm not easy to cry. "If anything your mother is the idol of wicked mothers and idiot worshippers," I commented
Anne was next; she gave her side of the story. With a huge smile on her face that couldn't be hidden she began "It was with my first boyfriend whom I was madly in love with. He prepared me psychologically and mentally that it would hurt (she paused to smile and have a glance of the memory in her head) but he would make sure it wouldn't hurt much."
The way she explained with a lot of love, emotions made me feel stupid and jealous. I rushed my one time moment now I was never going to express myself the way she did. In as much as August's story was bitter, they had one thing in common, their first time was special. When she was done I realized I had nothing special to put it on the table. They looked at me for some minutes waiting for me to say something important. Instead I looked back smiling awkwardly not uttering a word. "What? I never had it with someone I love, so it's nothing special to say after all." Trust me the person, who breaks you, one tends to not forget them at all. There's that bond of breaking you," Anne said as August concurred. "Well…..as I shrugged my shoulders focusing on my phone, "….i guess that was never for me." That night I went to bed with regrets, bitterness and self-hatred. I felt like trash, a piece of shit, a perverted whore and that entire staff. I had misused my first time. I was never having my second shot no matter what. The person, who broke me, had broken up with me as well. I hadn't told my friends that part. I vowed to myself to be faithful to my partner, Finley. I realized it was never about a touch. It was about love, even though the million miles couldn't allow us to be together physically
Early Wednesday morning, Anne woke up and it was unlike her. She sat at the dining she seemed to be lost in her thoughts. She prepared breakfast but in a dull mood still. After which she got to back to bed sobbing. I approached her and turned to the other side of the bed giving me her back. "Did I say something wrong?" I asked because I knew I talked a lot and I would have surely something unpleasant to her unknowingly. _ No you've done no wrong at all .I then asked her why she was giving me her back. She took time before she answered. I was about to call August and ask her whether she had conversed with her that week but she opened up to me "I think I might be pregnant' I laughed coz that was an absurd thought. "Don't be ridiculous," looking at her I realized she was rather serious. "No, you're not joking, did you take a test?" _I haven't but I'm two weeks late, I haven't had my periods."
"If I tell you I'm a week late, will you be less worried," she smiled but wasn't satisfied with my answer. Later during the day we headed to August's and purchased a pregnancy kit in order for her to clear her doubts. Early the next morning, I was woken up by her movements. With a sleepy voice I asked her where she was headed to that early morning and with a not so confident voice she replied "To clear my doubts, so wake up." She exhaled loudly and sat on her bed shakily. I threw my blankets away, and got out of bed. She handed me the kit I tore the packaging and pulled the instructions manual. Fear and tension were written all over her face and with the morning cold I felt like I was freezing. She was shaking her legs nervously and eating her nails. I can't tell what she felt in her stomach, some butterflies maybe. I began to read the instructions out loudly. Dip the kit into the tin of urine; ensure its half way deep. Let it settle if a line appears at the tip of the kit its positive, if none forms then it's negative.
I handed her the tin and she went to the bathroom and peed in the tin. Once she was done she handed me the tin and remained in there as I did the remaining part of the test. Two minutes later she asked with a shaky voice she asked –"Now what?" I didn't answer.
My heart was beating in an unusual way. My eyes and mouth wide open I stared at that tin. For the second time she shouted as she walked out of the bathroom. –Did it form?" I couldn't get myself into telling her anything. I just nodded my head. – "Shit, I knew it." She threw herself on the bed and began to cry. I was unable to comfort her. Maybe the same fate awaited me. My head was occupied as well I had unprotected sex with Sidon before he broke up with me. Maybe he was aware of what he had done. I told myself to shut up whatever we had at hand was tragic and we had to deal with it. I immediately called August who arrived without wasting a minute.
The first question she asked when she arrived was "Do you want to keep it?"
_ I don't know I have to speak with my boyfriend first,' she replied. She rang the boyfriend, and put him on loudspeaker.-I'm pregnant," she blurted it out. I looked at her ready to ask whether that's how people give breaking news but realizing the eyes August had on me I took a step behind. Who's responsible? He asked. I looked at her in disbelief.-What do you mean who's responsible of course it is you," she said with a shaky voice. He doubted her "how sure are you I'm the father? "The more they kept talking the more I got disgusted with him. I mean the audacity. Who questions his fertility? I wanted to get him one on one and give him a piece of my mind. I was boiling in anger. They got into one heated argument but at the end of the day the so called boyfriend said he'd support her in whatever decision she'd make. Whether it's keeping or terminating it.