My life has been full of farewells. I have learned a thousand ways to say goodbye to pets and friends, to lovers, to family and to myself. I have learned that I am too good at it. Worst of all, I learned to be content with it, even to rely on knowing that I will survive if I must one day leave entirely.
I cannot put into words the pressure that settles on my heart.
There are beautiful people who have loved me. Who have been strong and loyal to me. Whether by their own hand or mine, I have crossed the bridge away from them and left it burning. I still stand at the ends of them, dreading a day that I may have to confront them again as someone else.
I have always loved wholeheartedly and without regret. When I could not bring myself to, I have chosen to walk away before any form of love could leave its mark. I always knew that I would only leave and no one should have to watch me go.
I was not strong enough to form connections with many people because of such fear. Unfortunately, I was always right.
I have blamed a certain individual for all of my years. Now I realize that I too am to blame, not only for the events that occurred but for the ones that did not. I could have allowed myself to have a fuller childhood. I shut myself down. I could simply not handle any more heartbreak and turmoil than I was already going through. But who can say what good might have come of all the lost opportunities?
I act as though I live without any regret.
The truth is, I regret a lot. And when it is late at night and I cannot sleep, I see the lost faces of my past, and I try to remember their voices! I wrack my brain to remember something positive which leads only to disappointment. There are things I have shut out, things that have been drowned out by things I wish I could forget. The decent and the vulgar, each in turn, play themselves over in my head.
My life has been full of violence and heartbreaks. I have walked away from it and now I have a gorgeous family that my very soul is bound to.
Still my heart aches; the wounds are still healing.
Now I wonder, when my response was to shut down and walk away, what am I supposed to tell my son when he has to say farewell to his first heartbreak? How do I console someone about something I am only just realizing I never got over?
Will this critical aching in my chest never go away! Will I forever cling to old faces and await their validation of my survival?
We search endlessly for someone or something to tell us that we have made all the right choices, that it is not our fault that we hurt this way. We scour the Earth for any trace of something we can consume to make us feel whole.
We collect people who we think will fix us. We are slowly whitling ourselves down until we finally see that we can only begin to mend ourselves when we come to terms with the fact that we must be the ones to do the work.
It is hard work, indeed. Work that may take an entire lifetime.
"If it can take so long, then why do it at all? Why not just be content?" You may ask.
Whether you achieve the fruits of your labor in this life or not, you will carry it with you for all eternity. Into your next life and the one after that. Into the cosmos where our souls may roam and back down to Earth where our vessels await our return.
So, I ask you; why do you do anything at all? Why shouldn't you fill your life with energy, instead of spending all your energy on external vampirism?
Let go, say farewell to the things which have no desire or ability to ascend with you.