Father Gregor
I wish I could say that my life changed completely, but the truth was different. First, because I started to realize how habituated I had become in my old ways, and second, because I missed a lot of the comforts of having so many followers and businesses that yielded a lot of money.
However, I was many things, but being someone who gave up was not one of them. When I gave my word, I did not go back on it. So, after Kelsey was released from the hospital, she and I set a date for her to present me at her volunteering program, where I would also start to give my time. To my relief, despite having lost ninety-nine percent of my friends, James remained faithful and also decided to come and volunteer with me.
The program ended up being something I did not expect. I thought it would be to serve lunches for the poor and needy or something like that, but it turned out to be giving talks for a support group for alcoholics, drug addicts, and the like.
At the first gathering, I simply stood beside Kelsey in front of a group of 10 men and women, and I was mute for several seconds, wondering how I was going to survive this. And then, the other difficulty was that this was a religious organization that carried out the gatherings, and the program was to help them heal by getting to know Jesus. And I was supposed to help Kelsey and James speak for an hour twice a week about a topic I had had very little interaction with.
But, as I said, I am nothing if not tenacious, so I stuck with it because I had to, but also because it became a challenge. A challenge that, as the days progressed and turned into weeks, began to help me push away the cravings I sometimes got to seek out my other friends and turn back to my old lifestyle.
The other thing that became a part of my life was that I began to visit Father Briar at his rectory at least twice a week. I would either have dinner with him or, I would assist him with different tasks around the parish.
All in all, things were not so bad. Definitely, they could have been much, much worse.
One thing that I did begin to notice was that as the volunteering program progressed, and as I listened to Kelsey speak about different aspects of Jesus´s life and message, a feeling of restlessness began to accost me. I did not know what it was, but something felt unsettled within me, and I was not sure what it was.
One night, I was having dinner with Father Briar when I gathered the courage to tell the old priest about what had been happening within me because I knew if anyone could help me, it was the good priest.
"Father, can I ask you something?" I asked the priest once we had finished eating.
"Sure, go ahead. Although I am gathering something is bothering you, so I am guessing you are going to ask me about that something, am I right?"
My eyes opened wide in shock. "How did you know?"
"I have been sensing something bothering you for a while. I notice you are more silent than usual, and there is this faraway look in your eyes that lets me know you have been battling something within. Now, tell me what it is."
"Father, how do you know when Jesus is calling you? How can you tell He is speaking to you?"
The question took the priest by surprise; I could tell by the way his eyes opened in shock.
"Greg, before I answer, let me ask you, have you been feeling the call of Jesus? Is that what this is about?"
I looked down at my plate and released a sigh. "No, it´s impossible for someone like me to be noticed by Jesus, right? I mean, why would he notice a man like me, who has done nothing but deny His existence and who has harmed others?"
"Greg, Jesus is capable of forgiving and forgetting if a person is really sorry about what he has done. But even unrepentant sinners can get called by our Lord. So, tell me, have you been feeling that?"
"Father, I am not really sure. All I can tell you is that there is something deep in me that does not let up. I feel restless, and it becomes more pronounced whenever I hear Kelsey talking to the men and women at the gatherings about forgiveness and the love of God for all of us. But it is impossible; I cannot be loved by Him, can I? I´ve been mean, and I have offended Him over and over.
"And yet, He has not given up on you, even if you have given up on Him, and that idea has been haunting you, hasn´t it?"
My eyes opened wide. "How did you know it was that?"
The priest released a small chuckle and then said, "I am not going to answer your questions right now. I think you need to experience the love of Christ yourself for those answers to become available. Even if I told you all the reasons why you are wrong in thinking that God cannot love you, and isn´t pursuing you, you would not believe me. But proof, absolute proof, is what you need, and that proof can only come from experience."
"What are you going to ask me to do?" I asked, a little concerned.
"I want you to come to church one Sunday."
"Father, I am not Catholic, you know that?"
"I know, but what I am doing is inviting you. Greg, you have had this unsettling feeling for years now. It first appeared when you decided to satisfy your curiosity by infiltrating my retreat years ago. Now, some time later, you start getting antsy again, and the connecting line is there. God is moving the powers within you so that you feel the curiosity again. Answer it, let it flow. Come to church one Sunday, experience it, and then we will talk more.
I took a deep breath, wondering if I should give in or not.
"Let me think about it, Father. I will not tell you yes outright, but I will think about it. Is that good enough?"
"Sure, I will wait as long as it takes."
The rest of the meal went on uneventfully, and I soon took my leave.
But the nagging sensations would not leave me be. As soon as I reached home, I called James and told him about my conversation with Father Briar, and as the good friend that he was, he told me he would be willing to accompany me one Sunday. I didn´t know it at the time, but James was Catholic; only, he had stopped practicing.
"James, do you think someone like me can be desired by God?"
"Yeah, I really do. I am not sure what is happening to you, Greg, but I would say you have nothing to lose by yielding. Yield once, and then see what happens. I too need to return, because just like you, those sessions with Kelsey have not been leaving me untouched."
I remained silent for a bit, everything within me warring against the notion of going to a church when I had never been to one.
"By the way, Greg, I am not sure if I should bring this up or not, but have you noticed that Kelsey seems to be interested in you?"
"What? Impossible. Why would someone like Kelsey be interested in me? Especially after what I did to her?"
"I don´t know, but I promise you I am seeing her interest in you."
I went silent for a bit, thinking about the possibility of ever having something sentimental to do with Kelsey. I did not know why, but I did not feel interested this time around. Do not get me wrong, she was beautiful and all, but for some unknown reason, I was not feeling a connection with her.
"Well, I hope it becomes just your impression, James, because I am not sure why, but I am not interested."
"Are you telling me you wouldn´t pursue something with Kelsey Williams if she showed interest?"
I released a sigh. "To be frank, no, I would not. I am not sure if it has something to do with the reason why we got to know each other, but for some reason I do not feel interested."
"Well, that is a shocker! Greg, you, the man who would pursue anyone with a skirt and a woman shows interest, and you do not show interest back? That is weird."
"Let´s change the topic."
"Okay, so, how about we go to church this coming Sunday? How about that?"
"I´m not sure. I mean, let me think about it, and I´ll get back to you."
"Okay, Greg, see you tomorrow."
Time went by, and despite having that backburner pressure of going to a church celebration with Father Briar, there was this rebellious side of me who wished to stand up against the expectations of the good priest. I also wondered if going to this service would prove Father Briar´s point or if it would prove mine. Who would win in the end?
However, the topic was not brought up again, and this made me feel a bit of relief. I did not want to go around denying the requests from the nice man. After all, he had been really good to me.
And so the routine of going to the volunteering program twice a week continued, my visits to Father Briar did too, and still I had not yet decided when and if I would grace a Sunday Mass with my presence.
One Monday, when the gathering was happening, Kelsey approached me and asked me to give the talk. I was shocked. Me? What could I possibly say? I wasn´t a friend of Jesus; I barely had any relationship with Him.
"Kels, you must be crazy; you know I am not a religious man. I have been coming as you demanded, but that is all there is."
Smiling, Kelsey placed her hand on my arm and sweetly said, "I am not asking you to give a talk about Jesus. I know where you stand in this regard. What I am asking is that you please tell them your story."
"My… you mean…"
"Yes, all of it. You have been coming here now for several months, and people want to know about you. They´ve been asking. And even if you cannot give them a Jesus talk, there is a lot for them to learn from you. Please," Kelsey begged, making eyes at me. At that moment I realized that maybe James was on to something, and indeed Kelsey had an interest in me. I tried to work up the interest myself, but it was not there. I wasn´t sure what the problem was. After all, during that party I had definitely been interested. But for some reason I was not anymore. Don´t get me wrong, she was a nice person, but that was all there was for me.
I took a deep breath, and then, removing my arm from her hand, said, "All right, but it is just telling them my story, right? Nothing else."
"Yes, only that, please."
And so it was that when the gathering began, I presented myself again and told them about my story. At first I thought I would be rejected, because let´s face it, even I had to admit I had been a bastard. There was definitely something very humbling about retelling your story and looking back on it from a different reference point. I was now away from that old life, and as I stared back on it, I realized how badly I had fallen.
After the meeting had adjourned, one of the men, whose name I could not remember, approached me.
"Do you realize how much God loves you?" He said out of the blue.
My eyes opened wide, and I responded, "Why do you say that?"
"I mean, despite all you have done, you are here now, with good friends, and you can remake your life. That is God; how can you not believe in Him and in His love for you?"
"Well, to be honest with you, it´s not that I am an atheist or anything. I am baptized, and my family is religious, but my life took a wrong turn somewhere, and I stopped believing. Don´t get me wrong, I am grateful my life has changed, but from there to saying it is proof of God´s love for me… I am not sure."
"Greg, even if you cannot see it now, I have a feeling that God is guiding your steps, and He will not stop doing that until you have reached the point where He wants you to be, which is close to Him again. Open up and listen; He is calling you."
"What do you mean?" I asked, a little confused.
"We all have noticed that Miss Kelsey is interested in you, but you do not seem to respond to her enchantments, and when the whole topic of a friendship with Christ comes up, there is this spark in your eyes that tells me you are being moved at a very deep level. I think you are being called to something big."
"Big like what?" I asked.
"I´m not sure, but I think God is selecting you and is moving your life in such a way that it will bring you really close to Him. My advice to you: let Him. Answer His call and let Him attract you. You have no idea how good a life you can have if you let Him call."
After having said that, the guy said goodbye to me and left me in shock. What did he mean by what he had said?
"Greg, are you ready to go?" I heard Kelsey saying to me as she approached,
I shook my head and placed all the information in the back of my mind. I was sure this guy was reading more than what was really there. God could not be wishing to call someone like me to Him, or could He?
"So, what did Matt say to you? I saw you two guys talking really animatedly," Kelsey asked as she and I left the building with James behind us.
"Ahhh…" I said, unsure about opening up to her. "Well, he is simply telling me that I should give Jesus a try."
"Well, he is not wrong there. Why don´t you open up a bit and allow yourself to ask the questions, Greg?" Kelsey asked as we approached our cars.
"Do you mean I should change my entire way of thinking and open up to the possibility of having a relationship with someone I am not even sure truly exists?" I asked of her as we stood in the parking lot.
"Well, what have you to lose, huh? You already tried the whole free without Jesus thing. Why not try to find freedom with God in your life? Maybe you will find that life improves that way dramatically."
I did not answer but remained thinking about what I had heard today. Then, all of a sudden, Kelsey came close to me and kissed me on the cheek. When she moved back, I showed how shocked I was by the gesture, and as a response, I placed my hand to my cheek.
"Kelsey…"
"Do not say anything. Let things develop. I am not asking you for anything, Greg. I have the same feeling Matt had. Yes, I am interested in you, as you surely know by now. I am not being very subtle about it. But, at the same time, I have this notion that you may be being called to something else. In any case, know that I am open to anything with you, but I also accept that God may be wishing to reserve you for greater things."
"Greater things? Like what? What do you and Matt see in me that makes you guys say that? I am lost! I do not have a friendship with God. I barely believe in Him, let alone have a relationship with Him. How can He want something from a guy like me?"
Kelsey smiled sweetly, placed her hand on my arm, and said, "I am not sure, but trust me, when God pursues someone, He does not let go. Let Him reach you, Greg; let Him approach you."
After saying that, Kelsey got into her car and drove away.
"Well, that was something," said James as he waited patiently for me to unlock my car.
"I have a headache right now. Too many messages and too much excitement for me."
The two of us got into our car and drove first towards James´s home and then to my own.
The week went by fast, and on Sunday, remembering the invitation of Father Briar, and wishing to be done with that, to prove to him that he was wrong, I decided to call James and invite him to join me at Mass that day.
As we drove down, James and I remained silent. In my mind ran a thousand possible scenarios, most of which were of absolute failure on the part of the old priest. I would get there, and nothing, absolutely nothing, would move me. I would prove to him that God did not exist, and if He existed, He was not interested in me.
When we arrived, we found the parking lot packed with cars. Entire families were getting out of their cars and going towards the beautiful church. James and I looked at each other before joining the rest of the people.
"Are you ready to face this, Greg?"
"I am ready to be done with this request, and I am ready to prove to all of you that you are wrong. That is what I am ready for. Then, after this, you can all lay off my back with the whole: God loves you, thing."
James simply chuckled, and we began walking towards the building.
When we entered the church, the first thing that caught my attention was the silence and reverence I felt. People were sitting in their pews in great order, and no one spoke to another person. They were all taking their seats and then staring at the altar.
My eyes went to the altar as well, interested to know what called these people´s attention.
The altar was a simple marble table, with two little candles that were turned on on either side, and behind this stood the tabernacle, a golden box that had a simple veil covering it, and beside it stood a red lamp. I think it signified the Eucharist was there. At least I remembered that was what Father Briar had explained.
James and I sat at the very back of the church and stared at the large wooden Christ on the Cross hanging above the tabernacle.
Suddenly, church music began to play, and I realized there was a choir on one of the sides of the church and a small piano. As the music played, I saw Father Briar and his assistants begin to enter the church from the back.
James and I stood up, following the others, and began to sing along with the rest, using the booklets provided for the service.
First came a series of readings and responses from us, and up until then, I began to grow bored. I mean, don´t get me wrong, the music and the service itself were beautiful. But it was also long and boring for me.
After the proclamation of the Gospel, Father Briar delivered a very nice speech from the pulpit, but I was by this time so tired that I did not register much.
Afterwards, the second part began; I think it was called the Eucharistic prayer, after the offertory. I watched as Father Briar and his assistants began to prepare the bread - I think it was called the host - and the wine.
When it was all made ready, people stood up, chanted something, and then a little bell was rung, and I watched as people all around began to kneel reverently. Even James knelt down. I did not follow them, for I did not understand the point or the need. Why was everyone kneeling before a piece of bread and a cup of wine? What was the point?
I looked at Father Briar and paid close attention to what he was doing. He brought his hands over the Eucharistic species and began to recite some words. To me, it was just a bunch of words, and nothing was moving either around me or within me. What was so special about this?
But then, my eyes caught something that began happening as soon as the priest took the chalice. I did not know if it was a trick of the light, or what, but I had the impression of liquid that reached the brim of the cup and began spilling on top of the altar.
My heart suddenly somersaulted within my chest. Was I seeing things? I rubbed my eyes with my fists and then looked again, but the impression remained. There seemed to be a liquid that spilled. At first, the impression was of spilled water, but then the liquid took on a red color, as if it were blood, and from nowhere I heard a voice that said, "spread it around the world".
I looked around; people were still kneeling, James was kneeling as well with his head bent towards the bench, so I could not ask him if he had seen what I had seen. And then, who had spoken? Aside from Father Briar, no one was speaking. Everyone was silent and in reverent absorption. So, who had spoken? And what did the message mean, "Spread it around the world"?
When James and the others stood up from their positions and as the Mass progressed, I moved closer to my friend and asked, my voice shaky, "Did you hear that?"
James turned towards me and looked at me with shocked eyes. "Hear? I heard Father Briar speaking, but that was it. What are you talking about?"
"I´m talking about the words that were spoken besides Father Briar´s," I asked, a little panicked now. Was I going crazy?
"Greg, there were no words besides those of consecration by Father Briar. I did not hear anything else. Are you sure you are ok? You seem kind of pale."
I was not sure about how I looked, but I knew it must not be pretty, for I felt kind of faint. Was I truly losing my mind? I looked up at the altar, and everything seemed normal now. The chalice was golden and looked normal, the altar looked normal, so what was it that I had seen? And what had I heard?
"As soon as the mass is over, I need to speak to Father Briar, James. I think I am going crazy."
James continued to look at me as if I had grown a second head. And I felt exactly like that.
After the Eucharistic prayer, people prepared to consume the Eucharist, and James and I stayed in our pew. However, as I sat there, staring again at the open tabernacle, I saw light shining from it, and the light fell on top of the chalice and the small hosts that Father Briar was distributing, and I heard that voice again, "Follow me, and take me to them."
"Did you hear that James?" I asked again, this time truly panicked. There it was, that voice again, asking me for things I did not know how to give.
"Greg, I think it would be better if we stepped out of here and waited for Father Briar at his rectory. Something is going on with you and you are scaring me," James said as he attempted to stand up. However, I grabbed his shirt and forced him to sit again.
"No, I need to stay here. I am not sure what is happening, but something is James. Could it be that Father Briar was right all along?"
"What do you mean?"
"What if God is the one speaking to me? I am not crazy, James. I heard a voice twice now. Once while Father was consecrating the host and chalice, and now this light shone from the tabernacle towards the host and chalice. I saw a liquid spilling from the chalice, James. First a clear one, like water, and then blood. It spilled and filled the altar. Maybe I am going crazy, but I do not think so."
"We definitely need to speak to Father Briar then," James said, his voice filled with wonder. I was not sure if he was believing me or not, but I did not care. I knew what I had seen and heard. Now I needed someone to help me interpret this.
"Do you believe that God is real and that He is indeed looking for you?" James asked quietly while people finished Communion.
"I need Father to explain this event to me. I came here intending to prove Father wrong, and it seems the joke´s on me. I am the one who was proven wrong. God exists, James, and He was talking to me. At least, I hope it was God and not a figment of my imagination."
"The imagination is powerful and can play tricks, but what you are describing is too detailed and specific for it to be the product of just your imagination. Let´s talk to Father as soon as this is over and see what he says.
The mass finally ended, and no sooner had the priest and assistants cleared the place than I ran towards the rectory, intending to speak with the good old Father.
We finally found the priest in his rectory and without even saying hello I launched into a full description of what had happened during Mass. Father Briar listened intently, and as he listened, a full smile came on his face.
"Father, what are you smiling about? Am I crazy?" I asked a little irritated. Was the Father making fun of me?
"Greg, calm down. I am not trying to make fun of you and I am not thinking you are crazy. You lived through a supernatural experience that while I did not expect you to have, it seems the Lord wished to give you. You asked me not too long ago a series of questions and now God is responding to your demands. You wished Him to prove Himself to you? He has. Those messages, are simple to interpret, but right now what matters is that you choose to accept them or not."
"And what is God communicating to me through those visions and messages? What does He want from me?" I asked.
Father Briar stared at me with tenderness, and then, taking a deep breath he said, "I think He is not simply proving He exists and that He loves you, but He is asking something back from you now that He has given the proof. He is asking everything of you, Greg. He wants nothing more and nothing less than for you to give your life over to Him."
I was silent for a good while, pondering on what the priest had just said, and suddenly, the message became clear to me.
"Is He… does He… Is He calling me to be what you are?" I asked in shock.
"I have this idea that He is, yes. It seems God did have a very special gift prepared for you, He delivered it, and now He wants to ask something from you. He is requesting you gift Him with your life."
"Father," I said now agitated. "Me being a priest? I have had the craziest life, I am still trying to discover myself and He wants me as a priest?"
"Yes, Greg, He is asking for all of you and for the biggest sacrifice from you. He is willing to change your life and give you a new one, if you´ll just let Him."
"What… what I saw was really shocking Father, and it seems you have been right all along. What must I do now?" I asked, releasing the tension within me. After the initial shock, and as time progressed, my thoughts began to settle, and suddenly the restlessness I had been feeling for some time now began to ebb. Was this them the answer? Had I been restless because God was intending to call me to Him as a priest and I had not been ready to respond? What would happen if I answered positively to the request and began to prepare for the priesthood. Would that make me happy?
"Could it be that this is why I have not felt a renewed attraction to Kelsey, despite how beautiful she is? Because somehow my soul and heart already knew I was being prepared for this?"
"I am pretty sure it is, Geg. Somehow your soul and heart already knew God was calling you to something special and they wished to commit. Maybe you have been receiving this call for a long time now, but it took what you experienced today to ensure the message got across. You have been trying to hide from God for most of your like, and now, He has shown you He always sees you and He loves you despite your mistakes and sins."
"What do I do now, Father? Should I just give up my life as it is, and begin to think about seminary? I am not even Catholic."
"That is not a problem. If you become serious about pursuing this calling, I can help you. I can prepare you for First Communion and Confirmation, and then we can think about the steps to take. But you have to be sure to want this. While you prepare, you must begin to discern if priesthood is really what you want. When the time comes, you´ll be ready, I am sure."
I pondered the good priest´s words while my heart skipped several beats. Was I ready for this? Was this what I wanted? Then again, I thought, I had been restless for a long time now, nothing seeming to satisfy me. What could I lose by giving myself up to this calling? What if I found the path to true happiness once I decided to give in to this calling?
"All right, Father, I wish to pursue the calling. I wish to become Catholic and as time goes by, I wish to discern if priesthood is indeed what I am being called to become. So how do we start?"
"Well, first, you must prepare for First Communion and Confirmation. Since you are baptized, we are halfway down the road. Then, once we have you fully in the Church, we will begin the discernment to the priesthood. We will begin come tomorrow, all right? I expect you also to attend Mass as often as possible before you being your tasks of the day."
"Mass every day basically?" I asked a little shocked. But then I remembered the nice experience today and decided it couldn´t hurt to try it.
"You will begin a new path in life Greg. You need to immerse yourself fully in it before you can make your choices. So, yes, Mass daily is ideal. You will also come to my rectory to pray the Rosary, which I will teach you, and you will increase your connection to God. The more you treat with Him, the more you will fall in love with Him."
I took a deep breath, overwhelmed by the turn of events, but also feeling excited, For some reason, I was looking forward to this new path. And as I made the final choice, the restlessness subsided enough for me to understand that I was making the right choice.