"Yo! Yo! Yo! Maybe that's enough already?! Maybe that's enough, I ask?! You're all so boring! No, seriously, you're so boring! You're so boring I want to dance! Dance, I said! Lessons! Lessons! Les—"
BAM! A hairy leg flung high above his head smacked hard into the ceiling.
"MR. THREE!!! Couldn't you make the ceiling higher?!! How am I supposed to dance under these horrible conditions?!! A nightmare! A nightmare, I tell you!!!"
If anyone had ever decided to organize a contest for 'the strangest member of Baroque Works', Mr. Two would without question have won by an enormous margin.
Frankly, with him participating, it was entirely possible that every other 'competitor' would fail to receive even a single vote. Why?
Mr. Two—also known as Bon Clay, also known as Bentham—was a transvestite ballerina dressed in swan-themed ballet clothing with a pink coat worn over a blue, vaguely medieval outfit. He had a bowl haircut and a great deal—an enormous amount—of makeup on his face.
On top of that, he possessed a very strange voice, frequently spoke as both a woman and a man, tried to sing, and constantly danced while showing off his long, hairy legs. A wide grin almost never left his face.
He was the sort of person—or creature?—whom nobody could ever forget after seeing even once in their life. And among all five Officer Agents, he was the only one without a partner. Apparently because he could never decide whether he was a man or a woman.
"Shut up, Mr. Two! My back already hurts from your voice! You're stupid! Stupid! Stu! Stu! Pid!"
Off to one side, stretched across another table, lay a short, plump woman with a thick mane of red hair. She could have been anywhere from forty to fifty by appearance, yet she spoke with such extraordinary speed and emotional intensity that she sounded like a twelve-year-old who had downed ten cans of energy drink at once.
She wore a white blouse with a tie shaped like a Christmas tree, bright blue patterned shorts, and purple sunglasses.
Her name was Drophy, nicknamed the 'Destroyer of Cities', with a fourteen-million-berry bounty. Among Baroque Works members, however, she was far better known as Miss Merry Christmas and the partner of Mr. Four.
That very partner loomed over her like an enormous daruma doll, slowly tapping her back with fists that seemed to weigh a hundred pounds each.
"Shut up, old hag!" Bentham reacted instantly. "Don't you understand my condition?! I can't restrain myself! My soul longs to dance!"
"What soul?! You're stupid! Stu! Pid! Pid! Stu!"
"Ho... ho... ho... ho..."
Hearing the argument between Miss Merry Christmas and Mr. Two, Mr. Four laughed dully, though even his laughter sounded extremely strange. It was probably how a person on a screen would laugh if the video were being played in slow motion.
In fact, the blond giant generally looked and behaved as though he were mentally challenged. Or perhaps not merely 'as though'.
Even his clothing looked as if it had been chosen by a doting grandmother. Despite the oppressive heat, Mr. Four wore a scarf around his neck, an enormous green sleeveless sweater over a green shirt—with a large number four embroidered on it—thick black trousers, and white winter boots.
In other words, Grandma had dressed her precious grandson so he would not, God forbid, catch a chill. In prehistoric jungle. And in the desert kingdom of Alabasta. To summarize, Mr. Four—Babe, known as the 'Catcher Killer'—was not exactly an intellectual giant.
"Stop laughing, idiot!" Drophy shrieked at her partner's dim-witted laughter. "Your slowness is making my back hurt even worse!"
"I... am... sor... ry."
Mr. Four's speaking speed matched the speed of his laughter perfectly.
"Shut up!"
"Let's not quarrel," Miss Doublefinger suggested peacefully. "After all, this is the first time since Baroque Works was founded that we've all gathered together."
"Not all of us!" Mr. Two objected instantly. "I still don't see Mr. Five's pair among us!"
"...They won't be coming."
"They won't?! Do they have another assignment?! What is it?!"
"There is no other assignment." Zala shook her head. "According to the Boss, Mr. Five and his partner were killed by the 'Pirate Slayers'."
"!!!"
"That's right. We weren't all gathered here for nothing," the woman continued with a nod after noticing the genuine surprise on most of the faces around her. "Now that only a few days remain before the 'Pirate Slayers' arrive, it's time to clarify several things."
"Are you saying you've still been withholding information from us, Miss Doublefinger?" Mr. Three asked with a slight frown as he sat at the table and slowly sipped his tea.
"Exactly, Mr. Three." Zala smiled faintly. "The Boss gave me all the information he has on the 'Pirate Slayers', and it differs considerably from what the newspapers write about them."
"Mr. Five's pair were weaklings, but not so weak that the first random people they met could kill them," Galdino said after a moment's thought.
"That's not even our whole problem." Zala shook her head, frowning involuntarily. "Our biggest problem is that the 'Pirate Slayers' not only killed Mr. Five's pair, they also managed to capture Miss All Sunday—the Boss's own partner—and the princess of Alabasta, Nefertari Vivi."
"!!!"
This time everyone was shocked except Mr. One, who had learned all of it at the same time as Miss Doublefinger.
"Ordinary members of the organization don't need to know the details, but you need to understand that under these circumstances the 'Pirate Slayers' threaten the Boss's entire plan. And if the Boss's plan fails, none of us gets anything. Several years of our work will be wasted."
"So we need to eliminate the 'Pirate Slayers' and the princess, while rescuing Miss All Sunday?" Mr. Three summarized.
"Yes."
"But what guarantee do we have that they'll come to this island?" the man frowned.
"The Boss said they chose the meeting place themselves."
"!!!"
This new wave of surprise was noticeably stronger than the previous two.
"They're stu! Stu! Stu!"
"Are they stupid?!!" a stunned Mr. Two blurted out in place of the stammering Miss Merry Christmas.
"Or is it a trap?" Galdino immediately voiced a much more sensible possibility. "Gather all our forces in one place so they can reach Alabasta without interference?"
"They tricked us?!!" Bentham looked as though he might have a stroke at any moment.
"Not necessarily." Miss Doublefinger shook her head. "The Boss said he couldn't understand them at all. Either they're genuinely that self-confident and stupid, or this is all part of some clever plan. Either possibility could be true."
"What's their motive?" Mr. Three continued frowning. "Have they decided to help the princess save her country? Or did they simply decide to start a war with our organization? If we understand their motive, we can understand what to expect from them."
"Roronoa Zoro challenged our Boss," Mr. One's cold voice sounded. "I don't know how sincere that challenge was, but he'll be killed for his insolence."
That was that.
"Judging by what this Zoro-chan pulled in Loguetown, he certainly doesn't lack confidence," Mr. Two said, scratching his chin.
"There's no guarantee he was the one who did it," Miss Doublefinger disagreed.
"True," Mr. Three supported her. "The newspapers attacked the 'Pirate Slayers' far too aggressively. It's entirely possible the Government staged everything itself. At the very least, after all those expert opinions and eyewitness accounts, the Government managed to improve its reputation among the public quite nicely."
"That's precisely our biggest problem," Zala said. "According to the Boss, he made inquiries. Based on the information he obtained, Roronoa Zoro really is the man he was described as before all these so-called exposés. If that information is correct, we'll have to deal with a pirate crew capable of standing against an entire armada."
"It doesn't matter," Mr. One said. "The Boss's enemies will be killed. No exceptions."
As they say, brevity is the soul of wit.
"Mr. One has the right idea," Mr. Three agreed after taking another sip of tea. "You can't compare East Blue pirates with Baroque Works members. A thousand of our people would have been more than enough to deal with that entire clownish armada," he declared confidently. "And right now there are six thousand of us on this island. With forces like these, we could handle a hundred thousand East Blue pirates. And that's before taking our own presence into account."
He set down his cup.
"The question isn't whether we can deal with the 'Pirate Slayers'. The question is whether we'll meet them at all. If their plan was simply to distract us, they should already have reached Alabasta."
"Then they'll have to deal with our Boss." The eyes of Miss Doublefinger and Mr. One lit with an almost fanatical gleam.
"You... you learned the Boss's true identity?" Mr. Three could not possibly overlook a 'hint' like that.
"WHA-A-A-AT?!!" Mr. Two exclaimed. "You found out Zero-chan's real identity?!! Who is he?! Tell me! Tell me!"
"The Boss did indeed honor us with an audience, but I won't tell you who he is," Zala replied. "Once the current operation is complete, you'll be granted the same honor yourselves. All I can assure you is that if the 'Pirate Slayers' planned this as a diversion, then it failed. Baroque Works' strongest forces will be waiting for them in Alabasta itself."
While Mr. Two pulled a series of ridiculous faces as he tried to process what he had just heard, another smug smile spread across Mr. Three's lips.
"One man's presence in Alabasta has been bothering me for quite some time," Galdino said. "With his strength, he could easily interfere with the Boss's plan. But now, Miss Doublefinger, after what you've just said, I assume my concerns were unnecessary, weren't they? In reality, that man is our ultimate Boss. Am I right, Mr. One? Miss Doublefinger?"
"Your mind truly is your greatest weapon, Mr. Three," Zala answered evasively.
"What are you even talking about?!" Mr. Two finally snapped.
"You're stu! You're stu! You're stu! I didn't understand anything at all!" Miss Merry Christmas added.