What did you expect Hugo? She didn't let me finish what I had to say five years ago, she wasn't going to hear you out now.
I shook my head in disbelief. But seeing her here, so close to me, made me realize that none of the feelings I had five years ago have faded away. I clenched the fabric of my shirt around my heart. When I was younger, I watched so many rom coms and dramas with my sisters that the idea of falling in love was starting to seem made up. Every time the characters would say that their hearts were stinging because the person they loved didn't feel the same way, I told my sisters it was ridiculous. How could someone be in pain due to a mere emotion? They told me that when I found someone I loved, the answer would seem obvious.
As always, you guys were right. I did find someone I loved, and now I am in pain that she dislikes me so very much.
Returning back to my desk with a heavy heart, I distracted myself with some work. I would deal with my feelings once I got home, I decided. Turning on my computer, I looked down and saw that Charles had texted me.
Hey, how is the apartment hunting going?
It was like Charles to be nagging me about this. With his tall stature and relaxed demeanour, he resembled a grandpa. Plus, the fact that he flaunted old brown sweaters added to the character. Under that outer appearance, he was a caring and mature person. I always went to him with any problems I had, even if he didn't know a solution just speaking to him would help me relieve stress.
No luck yet :( I replied.
I worked at the company's England branch and had just recently returned. For the time being, I was still renting out a temporary apartment. However, Charles nagged me to start looking for a place or that I was going to end up permanently living there. Per usual, he was right.
For the rest of that day, I avoided Elise. It still hurt to have the memories of what I did to her come up headstrong, and it wasn't like she would be happy to see me. She got off work as soon as possible, not glancing at me for the whole afternoon. I relaxed as soon as she left and prepared to leave myself.
Jamming my keys into the door of my apartment, I wiped the soles of my shoes onto the welcome mate. The door opened to the small space, boxes piled up all over the floor with a variety of books scattered around. Although I had been living here for a couple weeks now, someone might had thought I moved in only yesterday. Wading my way through the sea of my belongings, I entered my bedroom and laid on the bed with heavy eyelids. Before I knew it, I had fallen asleep. The next morning, I woke up to the ringtone of Charles.
I can't believe he's calling me this early. What on earth does he want?
I groggily picked up the phone from my cluttered night stand.
"I was wondering when you would pick up, I've been on call for so long!"
"Charlie, cut me some slack. I went to sleep late last night. Anyways, why are you calling so early in the morning."
I heard a low chuckle. "You already forgot? You promised last time we met that this weekend we would go check out apartments to get you moved out."
I face palmed. "Darn, I forgot about it. Meet in ten minutes?"
"I'm already outside your apartment. Originally, we agreed to 9, but knowing you I expected you to be late."
Glancing over to my clock balancing on the books placed on my nightstand, I saw that it was already nine-thirty.
"Gosh, I'm so late. Charlie, I'll be down in ten. I am going to hang up now."
After plugging my phone back in to charge, I rushed down the hallway into the bathroom. On my way, I almost slipped multiple times. With one of my arms in my shirt, I grabbed my bag and left the apartment. Once I got to the parking lot, the fresh breeze blew right into my face. It felt so refreshing.
HONK HONK
In front of me, Charles pulled up in his car.
"Took you long enough Hugo."
"Sorry, let's head off now."
The drive to the apartment was pleasant, with relaxing music playing from the speakers. Charles and I caught up with each other the entire drive. Stopping at a streetlight, I rolled down my windows and poked my head out to look outside. The clouds resembled a pillow, fluffy and soft with the bright blue sky behind it. Before I knew it, the red light changed to green and the car whizzed off.
With the wind blowing on my face, I suddenly started thinking about Elise. On the day that we were assigned that term long project, the wind was harsh and strong. I remember as we walked to lunch, Elise was bundled in such a thick scarf. And then our hands touched when I asked for her phone. My face blushed at the resurfacing of that memory. It was so long ago yet the feeling of my hand on her delicate fingers remains clear. That day I had felt the happiest in a long time.
For the first three years of university, I liked Elise from afar. She was an enigma, always reserved and quiet. At first I just wanted to get to know her, but slowly as we interacted as academic rivals, my feelings grew for her. The day I realized that she was special to me was when I went off campus and into the city. Charles had asked me to do a grocery run at the asian market, but that day I happened to pass by the animal shelter. In there, I saw Elise crouched down playing with some kittens. She looked so caring and warm, a side of her that I had never seen. With me she was always stoic. My eyes were glued to the window. Her fingers were rubbing the cat's belly, strands of her hair falling down from her ponytail to cover her face. Suddenly I realized that I didn't want to know more about her because she was mysterious, I was interested because I liked her. That day I smiled all the way home.
"Hugo, why are you smiling like an idiot?"
Charles was spot on. Like always, he knew what was actually going on with me.
"That's because this idiot is in love."
He looked at me quizzically. "Did you move on from Elise? Last time we talked, you were not over her."
I closed the window and turned to face him. "That's because I'm not over her. She's the new employee at my office I told you was coming last week."
I noticed his eyes widened at this. "How did that go?"
"Not well. Seeing her brought back all the old feelings I had. I even confronted her, but she stormed away from me."
"Did you try explaining to her about how…"
I cut him off. "I tried to just like I did when we last saw each other, but as I said she didn't let me finish. I deserve that but I wish she would give me five minutes to apologize."
"Hugo, although you were influenced by your mom, you're not blameless in what you said."
"I know I'm not."
"I spoke to Jennie when it happened and tried to persuade her to tell Elise but she refused. She told me if Elise didn't want to hear it, there was nothing forcing her."
"I know that, but she was my first love. It's going to be hard to get over her, especially since I have to see her everyday. All I want to do is for us to be able to speak without it being awkward."
I turned my face towards the windows and rolled them down once again, feeling the breeze brush my face.
——————————————————————
After another couple minutes of driving, we arrived at a neighbourhood filled with apartment buildings. "Hugo, we're here." Charles said as he parked the car. "I looked at websites and a lot of apartments in this area are available. The price is reasonable for the space, we might as well have a look around." We got out of the car and begun walking to the first one that Charles chose, a modern looking building with balconies looking out directly at the city skyline. As I stepped in the apartment, the real estate agent began talking at a speed that I could not digest it all. Thank god, Charlie was paying closer attention to what he was saying. Five minutes into the tour, we heard loud music from the upstairs neighbours. I asked the agent about it, and he said it was a group of college students that lived there. Once he said that, Charles and I left immediately. After that, it was apartment after apartment, until we were finally at the last one on Charles' list. To our surprise, the apartment exceeded our expectations. Inside it was very open and the windows were facing the west so you could see the sunset. I wandered off as Charles was asking the agent about various other maintenance related things. Remembering the first location and how b=bad the neighbours were, I interrupted Charles and asked the agent about the people living around us.
"Ah, the people living around you are quite older than you and quiet people, so you wouldn't have to worry about that." I sighed in relief. "The only people close to you in age would be your neighbours on the right, two girls, I can't remember their names. I think one is Jennifer or Jane. Anyways, their also very quiet people."
Turning towards Charles, I gave him the satisfactory look. Finally, I could move out of my temporary apartment. We proceeded to sign all the papers, and soon I would be able to move in. Since we missed lunch and were both very hungry, Charles and I decided to go to a restaurant in the neighbourhood to grab dinner. I was still talking to the agent, when I heard Charles yell from the hallway.
"Hugo! Get out here and meet your neighbour." I was wondering why he was so excited about my neighbour, I would've eventually met them after I moved in. However, the moment I stepped outside I understood why he was so excited. Standing in front of me in a yellow sweater was Elise, and beside her Jennie, who hasn't changed at all since we last saw each other. Elise smiled awkwardly, while Jennie stepped forward towards me.
"What a coincidence Hugo! I'm guessing your moving into the room besides us, huh?"
I nodded. Out of the blue, Charles abruptly asked them if they wanted to eat with us.
"Actually, we were just going to go eat dinner. Would you care to join us?" I flashed him a surprised face at this invitation, didn't he just say on the car to move on from her? And now he was inviting her to dinner with us. Jennie looked like she thought about it, and then agreed to come with us.
Jennie dragged us to a place that she claimed served the most delicious pasta in the whole city. As we were walking, Charles and Jennie were up ahead of Elise and I, chatting away about what they'd been doing since graduating. They paid no attention, whether intentionally or not, to Elise and I, who were not talking at all. Neither of us wanted to start a conversation, even if the other two were so far ahead they wouldn't be able to hear us. My mind wandered back to my conversation with Charles on the car. It was logical for me to move on; but then again we are all fools when we're in love. With that thought, I took a deep breath and I turned to Elise and spoke.
"Elise." At the saying of her name, she turned to face me, yet I could read no emotion from her face. "I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for confronting you the other day. That was out of line for me to do." Her eyebrows moved slightly, but she didn't say anything.
Although I would never admit it, the lie that Elise believed to this day, a small part of me did contemplate it before. Having grown up surrounded by high expectations, emotions felt like a burden to myself that would get in the way of my success. My emotions for Elise were what stood between me and achieving those expectations; but the more I saw her all the pressure from expectations faded into the background. She was calming and seemed to accept me no matter what achievements I had. But my mom would never understand that and I wasn't courageous enough to confront her with my real feelings, I said whatever to appease her and Elise happened to hear it.
"Elise." My feet stopped moving and I raised my eyes to meet hers. "There is more to what you think I did. Please hear me out."
Her eyebrows contorted in confusion. "Hugo, I've moved past it." She said in a soft voice. "I've accepted that the feelings you had to me were fake and that what I heard that day was the real you. If you still feel guilty, you can rest assured I don't blame you for anything anymore."
I looked away from her. "It's… it's not true though Eli—"
Elise became furious. "No, stop denying it. I heard your intentions through your voice that day. It was my fault for believing you had changed." She started walking away.
Hugo, explain to her! This is your only chance to regain a trickle of trust from her. You'll regret it.
Without thinking, I reached out and grabbed her wrist. She looked back in with eyes widen.
"Lise, what would make you believe that what happened was a misunderstanding?"
Silence. Nothing came out of her mouth.
"I don't care about it anymore. We can be co-workers, I've accepted what happened for what it is. But that's all we can be. Co-workers." Yanking her wrist out of my hold, she continued to walk.
——————————————————
Five years ago.
I sat at my desk listening to the strong winds blow outside my window while going through my homework for that night. The months had quickly passed by and without realizing it, we were halfway through the semester. There was contrasting feelings about the semester ending. Excitement, this semester ending meant I was closer to graduating and moving on with my life, but it would also mean I wouldn't have any reason to see Elise anymore. Steam from my cup of coffee rose to my face, blurring my glasses as I sat drowning in my own thoughts. Interrupting my thinking, the phone began to ring loudly at my annoyance. I glanced at the screen and read that it was my mother calling me; I weighed whether or not I should pick up. Finally deciding that I dreaded her spam texts even more than her calls, I picked up the phone. Immediately, a strong, loud voice yelled into my ears.
"Hugo, why are you slacking off?" Was the greeting of my mother. "I heard from your cousin Dereck that your grades have been falling! Falling, he says!" I sighed. Dereck, a cousin of mine that happen to attend the same school as me, was my mother's ears and eyes while I was away from home.
"I am trying my best mom! I can't possibly always get the highest grades in all of my classes." I yelled back at her.
"You can and you will! I did not raise you to be stupid, did I?" She paused in the middle of her yelling, as if to calm herself.
"If you can't get good grades, then you might as well go on the blind date I had arranged for you. She's a charming-"
"Absolutely not," I cut her off, "I am not going on a blind date with a stranger."
"Yes you are. Her father is the head of a crucial business deal I need. And I think you'll like her, she's not like any of the girls you've met."
I refused my mother's blind date invitation for the rest of the conversation to no success.
"Then I will set a date with her." After she hung up, I sat in my chair, exhausted, and wondering how I was going to get through this last year. The comments she made used to sting more and her expectations rose every call, but once you face them daily, you become indifferent to them. Nonetheless, I still burned myself out to meet them. After all, she was my parent and I wanted her to be proud of me.
The next morning, Charles woke me up with a loud bang from hitting together pots.
"Hugo, are you finally awake? Elise has been at the door for ten minutes, and I couldn't wake you up at all."
Though my mind was still clouded, I registered what Charles was saying. I searched my bed for my phone and realized I was late for my meeting with Elise.
"Oh no no no, Charles tell her I'll be there in five minutes." Slipping on a hoodie and pants I wore yesterday, I ran out into the hallway to see Elise. She lifted her eyes from her phone to greet me.
"Hugo, you weren't at the library so I decided to come here to check up on you. I hope I wasn't intruding or anything."
"Not at all, this is completely my fault, I slept in and even made you walk all the way here to my apartment."
She smiled. "Actually, it was quite funny how Charles couldn't wake you up until he banged pots and pans together."
Embarrassed, I put my hand behind my head. "Yeah, usually I don't sleep that deeply."
We laughed and smiled all throughout the walk to the library; sharing jokes or funny things that we saw on the internet. Even though we were laughing with each other, I sensed that Elise was still a bit distant with me. I didn't know anything about her and she kept herself quite private, always me starting the conversations and talking with her. The other day, while Charles and I were sitting on our couch watching a rerun of some old show, I asked him about this.
"Of course she isn't going to just open up to you. You have to put yourself in her shoes Hugo! For the past three years, you guys were and still are known as rivals. You even once intentionally sabotaged her work and she has done the same too. Long story short, why should she trust that suddenly because you're all nice to her that you won't do something like that, especially with a project that counts for so much of your grade."
The sound of the tv echoed in the room; I was absolutely bewildered that I didn't realize this sooner. Not once have I acted friendly towards her, even if I did like her. I was scared that if I confessed she would reject me and never speak to me again, whereas if we're rivals we would still come in contact often. I was fine being her rival if it meant that I had an excuse to, occasionally, talk to her.
Charles continues to speak after I focused again. "What you need to do, Hugo, is to just be nice to her. Don't exaggerate anything or do anything extravagant, that will make her more suspicious of you. Open up to her, and she will realize that the version of you she was used to is simply a facade."
With Charles advice, I slowly got closer to Elise. Besides working on the project, we began meeting up even if we didn't have to work. I saw that she was much more comfortable with me, and that it was safe to say we were friends now. Once I got to know her, I just fell harder for her. It seemed that everything she did was cute and made my heart beat a bit faster.
While we were sitting on a park bench one Wednesday afternoon, drinking hot coffee, the wind was particularly harsh that day. I must've been shivering and Elise noticed, but she took my hand and placed it in her jacket pocket. I was too shy to look at her, but we spent the rest of the afternoon with her holding my hand in her pocket.
——————————————————
We sat in a small container seat at the Italian restaurant, which had a romantic air to it; dangling, delicate lights hung from the ceiling and flowers were everywhere. Charles and Jennie on one side, still chatting away, while Elise and I sat in silence. Although the two of them sat across from us, they did not notice the awkward atmosphere at all (or maybe were simply intentionally forcing Elise and I to speak). Sitting there so close to Elise made me realize that she was even more alluring than when were students. Even though we sat beside each other at work, I couldn't glance over at her without her noticing. The office was quite silent and nobody lifted their heads above their screen, which made any action very noticeable. Here, the restaurant was buzzing with people moving about, the environment intense. Elise did not notice my staring and I couldn't turn away.
Still entranced by her, I didn't notice the waiter coming by with our food.
"Hugo?" Elise waved a hand in front of me, but I was still zoned out.
"Hugo!" Charles loudly said and I snapped out of it. I looked down and saw the food was here.
"Sorry, just lost in thought. Let's begin eating guys!"
The rest of the night we spent talking about trivial things, and thankfully Charles and Jennie stopped speaking just between the two of them. It suddenly felt like the four of us had always been friends and didn't just see each other after five years. Jennie and Charles got along very well in university and were close friends, until Elise and I had our fall out. Out of respect to the both us, they claimed, they started growing distant and soon could qualify as strangers. However, I always thought there was something weird about the whole ordeal and could never put a finger on it; I mean I would never expect Charles to give up his friendship for me and Elise probably felt the same. Every time I asked Charles about, he would deny everything I said and argue that it would feel weird to still be friends with Jennie. But, now it seems that they got back to where their friendship left off.
By the time we finished eating, it was already quite late. When we got to the girls' apartment, Jennie pulled Charles away, all that could be heard from the two were whispers.
I turned to Elise. "Well, have a good night."
She smiled faintly in reply and went into her apartment, closing the door and not looking back.